So Brian Said

2009-05-14T00:51:00.003-04:00

Take a look at this guy. He doesn't look like the kind of guy who would leave you feeling introspective, does he?

But here I am, blogging. All because Ted Nugent, the creative mastermind behind "Stranglehold," "Cat Scratch Fever" and "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang," called me a prick. Not people like me. Not a group of people that I belong to. Me. Brian. He called for me personally to be spanked.

You see, Martin landed an interview with the Nuge, who happens to have a spread just down Prarie Chapel Road from George W. Bush. So Martin figured that he might as well break the ice with the story of the time I peed on the president's lawn.

It was a hilarious prank, involving me jumping out of a moving U-Haul truck, the risk of arrest by the Secret Service, me being chased by the neighbor's dog, Martin driving the truck across another neighbor's lawn and me finding a flashlight in the urine-soaked mud. All in all, it makes for a great story.

But Sweaty Teddy had a different take:

“That was almost as stupid as Ozzy pissing on the Alamo. What, do you hang out with a bunch of idiots? See, Ozzy didn’t do it intentionally. He’s so delirious he doesn’t know when he’s going to piss or where he’s going to piss. I’m glad he knows how to piss. But your friend should be spanked for being such a prick. That kind of politics I just find that amazing. As rotten and as un-American as Obama is, I would have no desire to piss on anything of his. That sounds so like dope-inspired hippie activity.”

I'm pretty sure that's the first time I've been sincerely lumped in with the hippies. Also the first time I've been associated with Ozzy Osbourne. But the stinger was when my politics were called into question.

It's easy enough to dismiss anything Ted Nugent says about politics. He tells Obama to suck on his machine gun and calls him "a piece of shit." Hillary is a "worthless bitch." (See it here.) He's a conservationist who sells canned hunts. A draft dodger turned political hawk. It doesn't take much time looking at his weekly columns to realize that this man, while very intelligent, suffers from a rough combination of paranoia, delusions of grandeur and bat-shit craziness. Either that, or he's just constantly putting up a front. To be honest, I think it's the latter.

In fairness, though, there's plenty to like about Uncle Ted. Gun rights should be protected, and he's got that covered. He's an outspoken conservationist. And even if his music isn't all that meaningful, rock 'n' roll doesn't need to be. I've seen him live, and he's awesome. "Free For All"? Totally badass.

So let's bring it back to the point, which is "that kind of politics." Ted's politics are usually as ridiculous as they are reprehensible, so I laughed it off when I first heard he was calling me names. But when I got to read everything in context, it became clear that he was right. "That kind of politics" is exactly what turns me and most other people off and what pushed me to get involved in politics last year.

As much as Reagan brought people into his party, George W. Bush drove people out -- myself included. In 2000, I was a die-hard, anti-abortion-voting Republican, excited out of my mind to cast my first vote for him and Cheney. By 2004, my loyalties had changed, but his petty brand of politics had consumed me nonetheless. When courts struck down anti-abortion laws that I supported, I found myself happy anyway, just because I knew the ruling would piss off the president.

It took an embarrassingly long time to realize this was not a productive way to govern or conduct the nation's business. That's why Obama got me so excited. I've mentioned it a million times, but his Call to Renewal keynote made me realize what an asshole I was being, and how much better off the country would be if the people who were leading the conversation could treat issues seriously, be fair-minded, be honest and extend an assumption of good faith to the people who disagreed with them.

Even if he's being a bit hypocritical, the Motor City Madman correctly highlights my that I've fallen short in heeding the call for a more civil political dialogue. For that I feel genuine remorse.

I won't say this often, but thanks, Ted Nugent, for calling me out. You were right.

2009-03-30T15:55:00.003-04:00

A Very Short Play
(Based on a true story)

At the clerk of the court of appeals:
Clerk: You're Brian, right?
Brian: I am.
Clerk: You used to work for the Chronicle, and I'm from Lorain County, so I know about you.
Brian: I've got a fan base here?
Clerk: Pretty much everywhere, I think.

You don't say.

2009-01-10T10:26:00.003-05:00

I was disappointed to learn that I did not invent Six Degrees of Wikipedia this morning.

Just the same, the game is great, especially if you start at a random page. I went from Curly Sue to Completely, and also from Montgomery Gentry to Al Franken.

It'll probably be a while before I type a Wikipedia URL again.

2009-01-04T20:03:00.002-05:00

On this Feast of the Epiphany, I had one of my own: Motion-activated sinks and towel dispensers are not unreasonable when you realize that they are for promoting public health and not for preventing kids from sticking towels in the sink and clogging them up.

2008-05-07T15:47:00.001-04:00

Is anyone in this family better than me at anything?

2008-04-29T18:30:00.000-04:00

Contact Brian Bardwell and Citizens for Sunshine at:

2008-04-18T11:56:00.003-04:00

The best thing about nice days is that when I open my doors and the breeze blows through, I get to smell Rally's.

2008-03-31T14:49:00.001-04:00

I feel like I should have known before I turned 27 that I hate Earth Wind & Fire.

2007-11-19T21:12:00.000-05:00

A great reason to live alone: eating breakfast, lunch and dinner out of the same bowl.

2007-11-15T11:11:00.000-05:00

Every time the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops gets together, I like to come here and hate on them a little bit.

They had their annual meeting this week, and for once, I'm liking what I see. They just published A Call for Bipartisan Cooperation on Iraq that has a lot for most people to agree on.

Our Catholic teaching on war and peace offers hard questions, not easy answers. Our nation must now focus more on the ethics of exit than on the ethics of intervention. The grave moral concerns we and others raised prior to the war now give way to new moral questions.

The bishops say the current course in Iraq is "unacceptable and unsustainable," and they call for a "responsible transition" that balances a prompt withdrawal with a minimization of casualties.

But even more interesting is the Faithful Citizenship Statement. It's long -- 44 pages -- so I haven't read the entire thing yet, but here are some highlights from the press release:
-- “As Catholics we are not single issues voters";
-- Though abortion is still considered "intrinsically evil," support or opposition to it should not be used as a litmus test when voting;
-- Catholics must participate in a political life, and not just on Election Day;
-- When voting, Catholics should consider issues of poverty, racism, hunger, health care, the environment and use of the death penalty.

UPDATE: After reading all 44 pages, I still find myself in general agreement with the bishops. To me, it sounds like a call to vote Democratic, though I suspect a Republican would feel otherwise.

2007-11-10T18:32:00.001-05:00

I have officially begun buying tools.

This could get expensive.

2007-11-08T00:41:00.000-05:00

Game on.

2007-10-30T10:57:00.000-04:00

It's the morning, and I didn't blog last night.

I did, however, play Typer Shark for a long time. After a good start, I bottomed out a little bit, but I eventually made a comeback to hit this awesome score:

I'm not finished yet, but I'm not sure if those numbers are beatable.

2007-10-25T05:10:00.000-04:00

We've arrived in Mesa. Read all about it at Westward the Wagons, where there are also new pictures.

It turns out that many people in my life are unaware of several significant events going on.

Here's the run-down:
--Leaving DC
--Working the same job, but from a new home in Akron
--Starting a nonprofit
--Driving across the country with Martin, who just got a new job in Mesa, Arizona

2007-10-22T23:24:00.000-04:00

[Cross-posted from Westward the Wagons, where Martin has finally begun posting.]

I'd like to post, but Martin can't stop whining about my attitude, which he only noticed when I started using the computer and he was forced to start entertaining himself at a McDonald's, as I had been doing while he wrote his blog post and checked his e-mail, both on my computer and on his phone.

Road Trip Round-Up: Three days, four states, 1,422 miles, two days without a Martin Meltdown.

2007-10-22T02:49:00.000-04:00

[This has been cross-posted from Westward the Wagons, where you can also read Martin's stories, should he decide to post any.]

Losing the American League Championship Series was an awful way to end the day. My condolences for all those fans who know what a curse is really like.

Moving along: Today was a bit longer and more eventful than the last, with less driving and more time for fun. When we last left you, we were just waking up inside the cab of a U-Haul outside a memorial to traitor Jefferson Davis.

It was 5:30 a.m., and Martin claimed to have slept for no more than two hours total. I slept straight through the night. We starte moving and headed straight for Graceland, home of the rock 'n' roller with the highest ratio of being good to being overrated.

We arrived right at 6 a.m., about an hour before the sun came up, and another three hours before they would start asking for $25 to give us a tour. So we peeked around ourselves, walking along the graffiti-covered stone wall to the main gates, where we were not permitted entry. We took a few pictures and went across the street to the Elvis Presley Strip Mall.

There we saw airplanes, armed guards and all the other things you'd expect to see at an Elvis-themed shopping plaza. Even at 6 in the morning, they were blaring the all-Elvis, all-the-time XM station loud enough for you to hear from a block away.

It turns out Elvis lived in a quiet little neighborhood, right next to a podiatrist's office and a wing shack. We took a walk down the street to see his next-door neighbors, who lived in this house.

It didn't appear as though living next door to the King had driven property values up too unreasonably. It turns out living next to this King is just as affordable as living by this one. We were disappointed, however, to find that you couldn't just walk into these people's back yards to peer over their fences. Sad but true.

So we got on the road about 45 minutes later and headed west. We hopped on the Hernando DeSoto Bridge and crossed the Mississippi River just as the sun was peeking over the horizon to see the back end of our truck.

And with that, we had left the East behind.

We kept on for another 250 miles or so before reaching Hope, Arkansas, the home of the greatest president of the 21st Century, as well as home to my second-favorite Republican candidate for president.

Again, we weren't there while Clinton's childhood home was open for tours, but I snuck through the fence and peered through the windows a bit before we headed down the road for Uncle Henry's Smokehouse BBQ, where we would indulge in several varities of smoked pork, sweet potato fries, cole slaw, potato salad and sweet tea. It was so delicious that I asked to buy one of the T-shirts they had on display. They told me no.

From there, it was back on the road and off to Texas. We crossed the state line, Martin fell asleep, I turned up the country music, and before you knew it, we were in Dallas, where everyone drives their trucks in the passing lane only and wears a hat. We considered buying hats for ourselves at a gas station just outside the city limits, but we thought better of it.

After about an hour trying to find our hotel, we finally got settled in, blogged a little for you, our favorite reader/fan, and then headed back out for the Dark Rail Hell House, "City of Death," presented by Trinity Church of Cedar Hill.

Given that the high school youth group would comprise 95 percent of the cast, I'll admit that I was not excited to pay $10 to get in. But the folks at the ticket booth were pleasant, we spent quite a while talking to the folks at the concession stand, and we were regaled with tales of local high school violence by the woman behind us in line, who was chaperoning about a dozen high school girls who had come to be scared back into virginity.

I wasn't familiar with the concept of Hell Houses until pretty recently, so in case you're in the same situation, the idea is to set up a haunted house that swaps out the Jason masks and werewolves and subs in scenes of "real life" tragedy caused by sin. It's kind of crazy, and I'm not sure I love these people's methods, but after getting checked for weapons by security (Did I mention this was a youth-group event at an evangelical church?), it turned out to be well worth the price of admission.

The acting was pretty cheesy for the first scene, where you walk in to find five kids lying bloody and dead around a classroom floor as an unhinged high schooler points a gun at his sobbing girlfriend's head. Meanwhile, Grim Reaper-style demons -- whom we would see in every scene -- paced the room, egging him on.

Everyone dies.

Next were some girls who tried meth because their boyfriends were having sex with other people. The girls got high, and the theatric demonstration of their hallucinations was pretty hilarious, although Martin was quick to point out that meth is not actually a hallucinogen.

Everyone dies.

Next up was a girl who fell in love with a Satanist -- played by the only black person on the premises -- and was trying some occult business to get in touch with her dead mother, despite her brother's attempts to shut it down.

Everyone but the Satanist dies.

We moved on to an apartment, where an impatient and abusive boyfriend was just finding out that his girlfriend was pregnant. He slaps her around a bit until she ends up out of sight, and we're ushered around the corner to the abortion clinic, where she's on the examining bench with her legs in imaginary stirrups. There's some fighting between her and her boyfriend, some name-calling, and pretty soon, you're watching the abortionist dropping pieces of fake fetus into a bowl, while TV screens overhead show documentary footage of the real thing.

Mother and fetus die.

While that was the scene everyone expects from a Hell House, the final one featured the highest-quality writing and acting: A girl comes barging into her living room, summoned home from college by her little sister, who we see sobbing on the couch.

After a little bickering back and forth, we find out that their father, who is hopelessly addicted to alcohol and pornography, has been molesting little sister. Soon enough, we find out that he's already victimized the older sister as well.

Dad comes in, smacks both the girls around a little and pulls a gun on big sister. Little sister bushwhacks him from behind with a metal something or other, and big sister gets her hands on the gun. Dad is backed into the corner, and as big sister tries to unload the gun, it goes off in her hand and kills her sister.

Big sister freaks; Dad tries talking her down, but to no avail.

"I'll see you in hell!" BLAMMO!

Dad crumples to the floor, and big sister runs into her bedroom to call the police. She starts to pray to Jesus, but it's been so long that she can't remember how. She's looking through the Bible for something to jog her memory, but she sets it down to let the police in the house.

But surprise! It's not the police! It's her father, who has staggered across the room to administer some discipline. With his dying breath, he strangles his eldest, who goes to hell because she couldn't find John 3:16 fast enough.

Did I mention that everyone dies?

After that, we see a little video with stats about kids who do bad things, and then we go to heaven for another video. After that, we go to hell, which turns out to be a lot like you expected: musty, humid, crowded, generally unpleasant. Had I been in charge, there would have been more wailing and gnashing of teeth.

After that, we're treated to a little sermon from one of the church's talented speechifyers, who then offers to let us into the back room to be prayed for. I go in; Martin opts out.

All in all, pretty awesome. It turns out that thousands of people come every year, and they'll typically rake in something around $100,000 a year, about a quarter of which will be used to put together the next year's show. This was maybe the 16th year; right after it had happened, they even had the cajones to put on a Columbine re-enactment. I'm not one for sensitivity, but even I know that's a bad idea.

Afterward, we headed back to the hotel just in time for a heartbreaking eighth inning of ALCS Game 7. It was a tragedy, and I think we should return to the five-game LCS set-up.

By the way, we've worked and driven so hard and been on such a tight schedule that after countless hours in a truck -- several of them spent sleeping -- I am just now preparing to take my first shower since I left D.C. on Friday. I am smelly, and the three people who were in the Hell House coffin with me will verify that.

Road Trip Round-Up: Two days, four states, 1,200 miles.

2007-10-21T20:17:00.000-04:00

[This has been cross-posted from Westward the Wagons, where you can also read Martin's stories.]

Holler.

We're going to try to get ourselves caught up here in a hurry; we've got almost two days of traveling done, but zero words of blogging yet.

After a heartwarming send-off party hosted by Julianna, we got five hours of sleep, finished packing, cleaned up Martin's apartment and got on the road just after 11 a.m.

We were already well behind schedule, so we had to (U-)haul ass for about 700 miles south through Virginia and Tennessee, where we would make our first barbecue-related stop in Memphis: Charlie Vargo's Rendezvous.

This place is supposed to be home of the best ribs in the world, but Martin and I agreed that although they were very good, they were also overrated. The fact that the two-hour wait we were told to expect was actually only a 25-second wait probably should have tipped us off.

The dry rub was delicious, and no matter what Martin tells you, I only put sauce on my last one. The loin, however, was fantastic. Worth driving from Knoxville for, I'd say, but not worth driving 700 miles for. Fortunately for us, it was on our way anyway.

After that, we took a walk down the street to take a look at the Mighty Mississippi, which we would be crossing in just a few hours time. That was followed with a walk to Beale Street, which is where the magic started.

You come down the street to a stretch of five blocks or that had been blockaded by the police, sherrif's deputies, firefighters and private security, who are checking you ID just to let you walk down the street, where you may then proceed to do all the drinking in public that you could want.

The streets are packed with frat boys, hippies, thugs, street performers, party whores, trannies, yuppies, and me and Martin. There's drinking, dancing and carousing as far as the eye can see down the brick road. Thousands of people from all walks of Tennessee life were jammed together to spend a Saturday night together, and the amazing thing was how laid back the whole scene was.

Martin was dressed like a slob, but no one looked twice. Big crowds of badass black folk are standing around, but no one's interested in acting tough. Guys are making catcalls at girls, and they just think it's cute. Everyone's bumping into each other's beers, but hey man, don't worry about it, it's cool.

Nothing chills me out like seeing other laid-back people, and this was about as good as it gets. I don't remember how or why we eventually decided to leave the vicinity, but I wish we hadn't.

We walked back to the U-Haul, drove down a few blocks to some on-street parking across from Confederacy Park, and slept in the cab. I slept like a baby, as did the homeless man on the bench right across the sidewalk, but Martin tells me he woke up several times.

We've got to head out for the Hell House now, but we'll have more updates later tonight.

Road Trip Round-Up: One day, two states, 748 miles

2007-10-05T17:17:00.001-04:00

My cell phone is gone, so we can't talk this weekend. I should have a new one by Tuesday, which is when you should call me so I know your phone number again.

2007-09-18T11:29:00.001-04:00

You may know that I'm pretty sensitive to government overreach.

After falling victim to it myself in April, I started working in earnest on a plan to come back to Ohio and do something about it. I've been plotting, laying in wait, trying to find a way to handle it reasonably and responsibly.

Then there was this. And this. See a longer version here.

As bad as that video is, I'm bothered more that so many people who've seen it seem not to care. I was literally nauseated and ready to cry.

I've got several ideas on how to make a difference, but I'm officially done being cautious, reasonable and responsible. I'll have a plan figured out this week. I'll be back home by November.

If anyone has good ideas for how to make that work, let me know. If not, I'm doing it anyway.

See you soon.

2007-05-15T11:30:00.000-04:00

Want to hear a tax joke?

Of course you do. Fortunately, I just found this in the e-mail today:

Billy Hamilton (the retired Texas Deputy Comptroller) died and went to Hades. As he was checking into his room, the demon bellhop asked if it was hot enough for him. Billy replied that it wasn't too bad. The demon reported this to the devil, who instructed the demon to turn up the thermostat.

The next morning the demon asked Billy if it was hot enough for him. Billy replied that although it was hot, it only reminded him of summer in Texas, when he was a boy working on his family's ranch. The demon reported this to the devil, who replied, "Well, we'll just show Mr. Hamilton what hot is", and instructed the demon to crank the thermostat all the way up.

The next morning the demon again asked Billy if it was hot enough for him. Billy replied that it had gotten pretty hot, but that it was no more uncomfortable then that record hot summer in Texas when he had to testify before the Legislature in a suit and tie. The demon reported this to the devil, who said that he would "fix Mr. Deputy Comptroller once and for all," and instructed the demon to turn the thermostat all the way DOWN.

The next morning Billy got up and stepped out of his room to see ice and snow everywhere and the river of fire frozen solid. "Oh no!" Billy cried. "Texas has a personal income tax!"

Zing!

2007-05-10T13:44:00.000-04:00

In case you're following the story, the Oklahoma Senate has finally passed the bill to double the income tax credit for transporting chicken litter.

2007-05-07T12:21:00.000-04:00

I thought it was bad enough about a year ago when one of the guys I work with told me he was leaving early to go the doctor because of his urinary tract infection. Today, he outdid himself.

Phone: Ring
Brian: Hello
Co-worker: Hi, Brian. I just wanted to let you know I won't be coming in. I've got some bowel stuff going on.
Brian: Oh... All right.
Co-worker: Yeah, gotta stay close to the toilet.
Brian: OK, you have fun.
Co-worker: Such fun. Thanks.
Brian: Bye.

It should be noted that this is a middle-aged type man, and that we do not have the sort of fraternal relationship that would make telling me this funny in a disgusting way. He was just being very matter of fact.

I also just found out this weekend that there's a C-SPAN radio station out here. I feel like I've wasted a year of my life by not knowing this.

2007-04-19T14:45:00.000-04:00

You'd think I would be late in filing my taxes. You would be wrong.

You'd think I'd have learned a useful tax-evasion scam or two by now. You would again be wrong.

You'd think doing federal taxes and taxes for three different states would be a lot of fun. You would still be wrong.

I think the fun will be saved for when the checks come in, because being a part-year resident in all three has beefed up my refunds. I am getting four of them, and then I will be buying myself an OED, should it still be available. Does anyone want to run out to Shaker Heights to check on that for me?

2007-03-05T15:33:00.000-05:00

60 GB iPod video -- $300
Four months' worth of Metro fare -- $200
2 GB thumb drive -- $40
Winter hat from EMS -- $15
A winter jacket with pockets to hold it all -- $65

Having it all stolen while volunteering to clean up a neighborhood park -- Priceless.

2007-02-22T10:27:00.002-05:00

Did you know yesterday was Ash Wednesday?

I sure didn't.

2007-02-16T14:19:00.000-05:00

There's no faster way to get me up from my desk than to tell me there's free food somewhere, so when I got the mass e-mail from HR saying there was a "mini catered feast" upstairs, I was there in about 10 seconds.

I arrived at the same time as about 20 people and found three cans of Sprite, a plate of salad, three pieces of carrot cake, two pieces of bread and two plates of butter.

This was severely disappointing, but with more people coming and already too little food to go around, I had to stake a claim fast. I managed to swipe a piece of carrot cake just before someone else came for it, and as I walked away, I could see one of my editors had also hoped for a piece of cake.

I congratulated myself for being so quick, and on the way back to the elevator, I thought I should offer to split it with my boss. She wouldn't accept, but I'd get credit for being thoughtful. As we got on, one of the women with the other pieces joined us, and before I could open my mouth, she offered to split her piece.

I was livid, and I started hearing sports commentators in head.

Play-by-play: Wow, can you believe the way she just swooped in there and stole that play?
Color commentator: Unbelieveable. Let's see what happens.
My boss: Oh no, that's all right. But thanks so much for asking.
Play-by-play: There it is. Brian has got to be seething.
Color commentator: He sure does. After showing such speed in the kitchen, it looks like he just got lazy.
The other lady: Are you sure?
My boss: Oh, well, if you don't mind, I guess I'll take advantage of you. It's been a long time since I've had carrot cake.
Play-by-play: What? Amazing! She's actually going to force that woman to split an inch-wide slice of cake. An amazing turnaround for Brian.
Color commentator: Well, Brian couldn't convert the cake into points, but at least he gets to have his cake and eat it, too.
Play-by-play: Shut up, Color commentator.

Unfortunately, the cake seems to be about three weeks old, and it was disgusting. I ate one piece, stripped off the cream cheese frosting and threw away the rest.

All in all, a bad cake day.

2007-02-15T11:02:00.000-05:00

Well, I never got a free copy of the book like he promised, but at least he gave me some love.

2007-02-09T16:26:00.000-05:00

Someone has infiltrated my secret bathroom.

The bathrooms in our new building are nicer than in the old ones, but now that everyone's in the same building, they're also much more heavily trafficked.

I like a little more privacy, though, so I smuggled a roll of toilet paper and some paper towels from the janitor's closet into the bathroom down to the second floor. The whole floor is nothing but concrete floors waiting to be leased out, except for the bathrooms, which have already been installed.

I set up there and go down whenever I feel like taking it easy in the middle of the day, but I went down today, and someone had taken my roll of toilet paper. I was lucky enough to notice before I took a seat, but I was still distressed by the fact that someone else is using my space -- even more distressed to find that the toilet paper had been moved to a stall in the women's bathroom.

I've taken further precautions to prevent this from happening in the future, but I may have to set up booby traps next.

2007-01-09T17:12:00.000-05:00

41-14? Are you joking?

Since moving to Virginia and discovering that the South's obsession with the Civil War truly is alive and well, I've quickly morphed into an Ohio jingoist. I've relearned the difference between William Tecumseh Sherman and Philip Sheridan, I've stopped dissing "The Elements of Style," I deny hating tomato juice, and I've even made a little room in my heart for the Cincinnati Bengals.

So it pains me to reject the one thing that most strongly unites the entire state. I'd like to cheer for Ohio State; I really would. But their fans are just so damned obnoxious, with their superiority complex, their bigger-is-better mentality, and most of all their bizarre insistence that their school should be referred to as "THE Ohio State University."

I've got a pro team and a college -- four, in fact -- to root for, so I don't feel too bad relishing the Buckeyes' defeat yesterday.

After having their asses whipped up and down the field in the most emasculating upset in recent memory, perhaps the Buckeyes will tone it down a little, act a little more humbly and become civilized human beings. I feel like that would let me come back around to cheer for Ohio again, but it seems like a lot to hope for.

Till then: GO BLUE!

2007-01-04T12:09:00.000-05:00

The 110th Congress is in the House. And the Senate. How exciting is that?

So exciting that I'm watching streaming video instead of working, but don't worry, I can blog now because there's a quorum call. I love quorum calls; they're like C-SPAN commercial breaks.

2007-01-03T17:07:00.000-05:00

For a good laugh, go digging through your closet and find "Livin' La Vida Loca."

How did no one notice at the time that it sounds like it was produced by an 8-year-old? It sounds like a MIDI file.

2007-01-01T14:17:00.000-05:00

New Year's Blogging Resolution: Blog whenever I feel like it, and that's it.

This has been a delicious New Year's so far. Unfortunately, the better the New Year, the worse it usually goes for the rest of the year.

2006-12-29T13:16:00.001-05:00

For those who know what to do with it: http://bdb484.blogspot.com/rss.xml

2006-12-21T21:48:00.000-05:00

I don't mean to pick on him, but I have to wonder if Michael screwed up his survey on which presidential candidate is best suited to him. If not that, my second guess is that he was screwing around to create zany results.

Almost everyone so far has had all Democrats and then all Republicans, or vice versa, with a few people having one lower-ranked member of a party beat out by a high-ranking member of the opposite party.

But not Michael, who picked six Democrats, a Republican, a Democrat, a Republican, two Democrats, a Republican, two Democrats, a Republican, a Democrat, three Republicans, a Democrat and four Republicans:

(100%) 1: Sen. Barack Obama (D)
(96%) 2: Sen. Russ Feingold (D)
(87%) 3: Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D)
(84%) 4: Retired Gen. Wesley Clark (D)
(82%) 5: Sen. Joseph Biden (D)
(81%) 6: Sen. John Kerry (D)
(76%) 7: Sen. John McCain (R)
(71%) 8: Gov. Bill Richardson (D)
(71%) 9: Sen. George Allen (R)
(70%) 10: Ex-Sen. John Edwards (D)
(70%) 11: Ex-VP Al Gore (D)
(70%) 12: Gov. George Pataki (R)
(68%) 13: Sen. Evan Bayh (D)
(60%) 14: Sen. Christopher Dodd (D)
(57%) 15: Gov. Mitt Romney (R)
(54%) 16: Gov. Tom Vilsack (D)
(53%) 17: Sen. Sam Brownback (R)
(50%) 18: Ex-Rep. Newt Gingrich (R)
(50%) 19: Sec. Condoleezza Rice (R)
(50%) 20: Sen. Hillary Clinton (D)
(46%) 21: Sen. Chuck Hagel (R)
(43%) 22: Ex-Mayor Rudy Giuliani (R)
(43%) 23: Rep. Tom Tancredo (R)
(29%) 24: Gov. Mike Huckabee (R)

I would love to see what answers he gave to get these results. If you're already familiar with these people, it's even more interesting, because it says that three of the most liberal candidates are his best choices, then recommends George Allen, a vicious conservative, over moderate Democrats like Evan Bayh and Tom Vilsack, and then again picks Sam Brownback, Newt Gingrich and Condi Rice over Hillary Clinton, another moderate Democrat. And it gives him all those Republicans before it gives him Rudy Giuliani, probably the most liberal Republican on the entire list.

Bizarre.

2006-12-18T17:25:00.000-05:00

EDIT: Would the Republican-leaning family members please let us know their results?

Don't know who you want to be president? Try out the Presidential Candidate Selector by SelectSmart.

It doesn't put much emphasis on government transparency or health care, which are probably my two biggest concerns after marriage equality, but it was interesting anyway.

Here are my results:

(100%) 1: Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D)
(98%) 2: Sen. Barack Obama (D)
(98%) 3: Sen. Russ Feingold (D)
(95%) 4: Gov. Bill Richardson (D)
(91%) 5: Sen. Christopher Dodd (D)
(90%) 6: Retired Gen. Wesley Clark (D)
(87%) 7: Ex-Sen. John Edwards (D)
(87%) 8: Sen. John Kerry (D)
(85%) 9: Ex-VP Al Gore (D)
(85%) 10: Sen. Hillary Clinton (D)
(79%) 11: Gov. Tom Vilsack (D)
(70%) 12: Sen. Joseph Biden (D)
(66%) 13: Sen. Evan Bayh (D)
(64%) 14: Gov. Mitt Romney (R)
(49%) 15: Ex-Mayor Rudy Giuliani (R)
(44%) 16: Gov. George Pataki (R)
(42%) 17: Gov. Mike Huckabee (R)
(41%) 18: Ex-Rep. Newt Gingrich (R)
(41%) 19: Sen. George Allen (R)
(41%) 20: Sen. John McCain (R)
(36%) 21: Sec. Condoleezza Rice (R)
(33%) 22: Rep. Tom Tancredo (R)
(18%) 23: Sen. Sam Brownback (R)
(14%) 24: Sen. Chuck Hagel (R)

As much as I like him, I was surprised to see my list topped by the Kooch. I think the problem is that the survey doesn't really have the capacity -- at this point -- to allow for reasonableness and pragmatism.

2006-12-14T16:26:00.000-05:00

We've finally moved into our new building at work.

Good: A parking deck with twice as many spaces as we need.
Bad: Being locked out of the parking deck from the inside of the building. Ridiculous.

Bad: Farther from home.
Good: Closer to Quizno's.

Good: Key fobs instead of key cards.
Bad: Needing the fob to get to my floor.

Bad: Hearing the construction work next door.
Good: No longer hearing fire engines across the street or dentist's drills on the floor above me.

Good: My fancy flat-panel monitor.
Bad: That passers-by can see that there's no work being done with it.

Bad: It's easier for me to get caught sleeping.
Good: The toilet-paper holders in the bathroom stalls are positioned nicely to prop up an elbow and allow for a quick nap.

Good: Everybody's in one building.
Bad: I have to have awkward first conversations with everybody.

Good: Bodega, Mexican restaurant and bowling alley within two blocks.
Bad: The Dunkin Donuts planned for the first floor isn't open yet.

Not too bad. I also plundered the old buildings, taking an entertainment center (TV included), a chair, a halogen lamp and a super-sweet bookshelf for the apartment. I may go back for a microwave. If you need a refrigerator, we've got eight.

2006-12-12T16:31:00.000-05:00

Can anybody loan me a few billion dollars so I can shut this piece of crap down?

2006-12-08T00:34:00.000-05:00

Have I really not already done the post where I say that I'm blogging for me now? The selfish one where I tell you that I'm not going to post every day, every week, or even every month just for the sake of posting?

Well, here it is.

You, dear readers, are a bunch of ingrates -- with the notable exception of my dear, sweet, perfect mother (Thanks for the laundry, by the way. It was put away in drawers the day I returned.) I give you hilarious insights into my life, and you just want more. How is that fair? And who among you is keeping your own blog up-to-date? Huh? Huh? Oh, that's right. Nobody.

So that's it. From now on, I'm blogging when I feel like it. And not even then, sometimes. And if I don't include pictures, well, that's just too bad for you.

The pressure to keep you guys fed is what makes the blog suck, and the blog sucking is what makes the blog neglected. From now on, it's posting only when I've got something funny to say. Or when I feel like yelling at you.

Why am I in the office at 12:40 a.m.?

EDIT: As it turns out, Laura hasn't had a blog for the last several months, she's been updating it anyway. I recommend October 21, November 5 and November 15.

2006-11-29T11:52:00.000-05:00

If you're just going to play one game of FreeCell before you go to bed, you probably shouldn't play #23216.

Also, two boxes of Fruity Pebbles for $4 was a good deal, but I'm even happier that it's BOGO Cheez-It week.

2006-11-14T16:35:00.000-05:00

It appears I drank the Kool-Aid.

I didn't think anything of it initially when I went to lunch with co-workers. They were going to Quizno's; why shouldn't I?

But then I caught myself making tax jokes with a reporter and my editor in the kitchen. I tried to type them to share, but it was so lame -- made lamer by the fact that we all had a good laugh over it -- that I can't bear to repeat it.

I'm officially a tax dork.

2006-11-10T13:40:00.000-05:00

How awesome are my writers?

To give you an idea, here's a freelancer's description of Massachusetts: "one of the nations most bluest of states."

2006-11-09T15:04:00.000-05:00

There are plenty of political and policy reasons to be happy about the results of Tuesday's elections, but I'm perhaps most excited that in short order, I won't have to see Bob Taft's name on the "Welcome to Ohio" signs every time I drive back home.

EDIT: Oh yeah, and this:

2006-11-07T14:24:00.000-05:00

Have you voted yet? What's the matter, you're a Communist?

I took advantage of my first polling place within walking distance this year. I made my way up to the little community center, where approximately 1,000 people were already in line ahead of me. I'm used to the Columbia VFW, where you just sign the book and walk up to the machine, but not this year.

I was told that within two hours of opening, the line was out the door, around the corner and up the hill. Fortunately, I don't wake up that early.

So I waited patiently in line, explaining to all these backwards Southerners how "where I come from," we have nice short lines so everyone can vote quickly and easily and get on with their busy days. After all, up North, we have jobs and can't sit around on the front porch, sipping sweet tea chewing on straw.

And I made friends with some guy who -- like everyone else I know -- is leaving his job to become a nurse. He seemed very excited about it.

After 40 minutes or so, I finally got to my machine and ticked off all my candidates. Democrats up top, GOP and third-party candidates further down. Gay-bashing amendment? No thanks. Higher property taxes? Doesn't matter to me.

I enjoyed it so much that when it asked me to review my choices, I told it they were all wrong so I could go back and do it all again. Then I cast my ballot and asked my poll worker where the paper trail was.

"Here's your paper trail," he said, and he handed me an "I Voted in Arlington" sticker.

Ah, poll worker humor. Not as funny as copy editor humor, but funny just the same.

Also: GO VOTE!

2006-11-06T11:33:00.000-05:00

I've been at work for less than 90 minutes, and I'm already out of things to look at on the Internet. Combining boredom with my anxiousness for the elections, I'm about ready to go out of my mind.

2006-10-30T11:47:00.000-05:00

Who had an awesome Halloween? You may be unsure, because I'm actually talking about the 28th, but here's a hint: it was me.

At first, the options weren't looking that great. I could go to party with people I know, but which required a costume, or I could go to a concert at the home of some guy who played at a club I went to a few days earlier. I wasn't really interested in seeing him again, but I was invited by the hot German girls who played after him, so it was an option.

Just the same, I decided to go to the costume party. But I didn't have a costume. I couldn't find the Grim Reaper robe I always wear, and I couldn't scrounge up all the materials for the paint roller costume that won me schoolwide acclaim back in 1995.

Running around Target much too late, I spotted a giant garbage can and figured I could cut a hole out of the bottom and wear that. So I grabbed the can, grabbed a power saw, congratulated myself for being so resourceful and got out. But after about 45 seconds of hacking the can, the battery, depleted after months of sitting on a shelf, died.

It's almost 10 p.m. at this point, and now all the stores where I can buy anything are closing. Another flash of brilliance: I grabbed a spatula and ran out the door, praying that someone would ask about my costume so I could tell them I was Emeril. BAM!

I decided to stop in at the concert/party first, figuring I could at least hear the music and leave before I had to socialize with people I don't know, but shortly after I arrived, I got a call in that the other party sucked. So I stayed, flirted with a girl whose name I can't pronounce, and drank beer that belonged to people I don't know.

After a while, me, the guy throwing the party and the German girls left for a party in a warehouse. For $10, we got in, got all the beverages, hot dogs, hamburgers, shishkabobs, chicken and cheesy poofs we could consume. There were also a couple punk bands, and a caged-in arena for skateboarders, most of whom were impressive.

After that, we went to a nearby bar and bought whiskey for the girls, which they smuggled out of the bar and into the streets. We went back to that other dude's place and hung out until 5 in the morning, which might as well have been 6 with the time change.

Soon enough, it was Sunday: The Browns won, the Steelers lost, and all was right in the world.

2006-10-26T10:24:00.000-04:00

A new post? Stories from Europe?

Afraid not.

On Saturday, I ate Chinese food. A while ago, I got a fortune so good that I saved it to keep in my wallet forever and ever.

This time, I got the worst fortune ever, so I ate another one and hoped for something insightful. Again, a completely lame fortune. On the bright side, it told me how to say "Europe" in Chinese.

Anyway, I went to a concert yesterday and grabbed a matchbook from the bar. I took a look at it when I got into the light, expecting to see the bar's logo, but instead, my hope for a fortune came true: "Stephanie doesn't answer the phone anymore."

Stupid matchbook.

2006-10-16T13:05:00.000-04:00

BELFAST -- This Internet kiosk is impossible to type efficiently on, so this will be short.

The other cities so far have had much more of interest than Belfast, but I think I like this one the best. Things are much more relaxed here, and years of terrorist activity have mostly killed off the tourism industry, which makes the city feel quite a bit more authentic.

A video I watched for my sixth-grade Natioality Report project showed the inside of some pubs in Ireland, but I always figured the friendly people were just actors or something, and that the video was just trying to make everything seem nice, like most countries do.

It turns out though, that its close to real. Other than the doorman who was making sure there werent any Protestants coming in, the place felt like what I saw.

Id love to type more, but this keyboard doesnt have an apostrophe button, and its driving me insane.

2006-10-13T19:36:00.000-04:00

LONDON -- Internet access costs pounds these days, so I won't be posting that much here, but here are some stories you could remind me to tell you:
-- How I almost got into a fight with a phony punk rocker at Pickadilly Circus
-- How I got invited to a guest-list party at purportedly the most exclusive club in Soho.
-- How Martin cried the entire time.
-- The difference between European and American fast food that makes us fatter than them.
-- How I got into a handstand contest with a 12-year-old black kid in Belfast, as well as a race through a fountain and a wicked tiebreaker match of Paper, Scissors, Rock.

That's enough for now -- besides, these keyboards are annoying. @ is on the apostropher button, shift isn't long like on our keyboards, and the enter button is upside down.

2006-10-07T18:03:00.000-04:00

I'm leaving for Belfast in 48 hours. I was going to warn you that I wouldn't be posting here for a week or so, but then I remembered: (1) I haven't posted in two weeks already, so you probably wouldn't have noticed; and (2) I should try to post out there so I can get some sweet datelines.

But before I actually land in Europe, I figured I should get a jump-start on making fun of their culture.

You already know that they've got a stupid version of football over there, but did you know how lame their sportswriters are? Compare coverage of our most exciting football game this week (by a guy named Bob) with coverage of theirs (by a guy named Colin Moffat).

Need another late TD drive? No problem:

In almost every conceivable way, the Colts deserved to lose this game.

They were as sloppy as they've been in a regular season game in more than two years. They committed 10 penalties. Their special teams were atrocious.

And the run defense, which looked terrific early, was run on and run over in the second half.

As this is being written, Meadowlands security is using a spatula to remove Gilbert Gardner from the turf.

Scotland 1-0 France:

Scotland sit proudly at the top of Euro 2008 qualifying Group B after a fabulous win over France at Hampden.

Thierry Henry hit the post as France dominated the first 45 minutes but Scotland improved after the interval.

And Gary Caldwell, who was outstanding in defence, turned goal hero when he stabbed the ball home from a Paul Hartley corner kick on 67 minutes.

Football:

Manning, who had maintained his poise so heroically throughout a manic fourth quarter that qualified for instant classic status, had a hard time maintaining those good Southern manners.

So did he tell them to stick it on the Jersey side?

"Let's just say it was fun to do this here," he said, smiling, as he prepared to leave the visitors' locker room here for the second time in four weeks. "Again."

Take a bow, big fella.

Soccer:

And Gary Caldwell, who was outstanding in defence, turned goal hero when he stabbed the ball home from a Paul Hartley corner kick on 67 minutes.

France enjoyed the bulk of possession but Walter Smith's well-organised team worked hard for a famous victory.

James McFadden was given the role of lone striker and he gave the French a fright inside the first few minutes.

The Everton forward robbed Lilian Thuram as the Barcelona defender tried to usher the ball out of play but his attempted cross was blocked and his follow-up shot struck team-mate Hartley.

America:

The drive was so precise, so efficient, so bloodless, by the time Manning did a rare quarterback sneak for the game-winning touchdown, there were still 50 seconds left.

But the Jets, and this crazy back-and-forth-and-back game, were done. Manning had put his indelible stamp on the day, punctuating it with a rare, exclamatory spike in the end zone.

Europe:

Hartley swung in a corner from the right and, with the French defence static, Caldwell threw himself at the ball to slide in a shot from eight yards.

France poured forward in the closing stages but the Scots packed men behind the ball and tackled with tenacity.

Henry had a fantastic chance to level the game with three minutes remaining but tamely headed straight at Gordon from close range and Scotland held on to make it three wins from three in the race for Euro 2008.

Helmets required:

Not that there weren't supporting actors out there, Marvin Harrison and a heartsick Reggie Wayne and offensive linemen and everybody else, but those two drives, sandwiched around an unforgivable special teams lapse that nearly lost this game for the Colts, were an unmistakable product of Manning's will, talent and imagination.

Shinguards advisable:

France lost the passing fluency that had seen them dominate the first half but Scotland continued to lose possession cheaply and put themselves under pressure.

However, Scotland were getting forward more often and their endeavour was rewarded with the goal that sent the Hampden crowd wild with delight.

What a bunch of losers. If I'm lucky, I'll get a chance to knock down Prince Charles.

2006-09-21T02:46:00.000-04:00

I was reading a blog for Ohio Republicans on Tuesday, and I was astonished by the rhetoric there. It pointed out that Ted Strickland has a 50 percent rating from some abortion-rights group, and when someone noted that that's somewhat moderate, the conversation quickly devolved into a screaming match.

When a guy said he supported abortion rights in the case of rape, he was called a murderer and accused of being ignorant because he didn't believe that abortion was always right or always wrong. I'm not 100 percent opposed to abortion, either, so that lumps me in the murderer category as well. Most of the country is in the middle, too, so we're all murderers, I guess.

It was unreal, but I suddenly understood how Ken Blackwell could be down so far in the polls with no hope of recovery. When these are the people leading the political discourse, you can't blame someone listening for going to the other side or just tuning out altogether.

The next day, I went to a rally for Jim Webb, the Senate candidate from Virginny. I've been to a few of these things as a reporter, and I had trouble acting like I was there because I cared.

I guess I do care, but the truth is that I only went to see Barack Obama and maybe hit on some girls who I could be sure didn't like George Bush. The second part didn't go as well as it might have, but Obama delivered. He's a great orator, and he has a Svengali-like control on the crowd.

His stump speech reaches a fever pitch as he plays off Newt Gingrich's saying that the perfect campaign slogan for Democrats is "Had enough?":

I don't know about you, but I've had enough of a can't-do, won't-do, won't-even-try style of government here in Washington. I've had enough of oil companies writing energy bills and drug companies writing drug bills.

I've had enough of folks who act tough on TV. I want someone who really is tough -- when it comes to our foreign policy and implementing our 9/11 Commission reforms and most importantly, having some reverence for our armed services and our young men and women.

That they are not expendable, that we don't use them to make political points, that we think through their missions before we send them, that me make sure that we bring them back and treat them with the dignity and the respect they deserve. I've had enough of that.

I've had enough of terrorism being the top priority for the three months right before the election in every even-numbered year. I've had enough of that.

It obviously doesn't come across as well in writing, but as the speech progresses, Obama and the crowd start feeding off each other, and by the last line, the whole place is in an all-out frenzy.

The crowd is going mad cheering, but on a dime, he brings his voice down a few notches and says, "Battling the war on terrorism is not a partisan battle." In just one sentence, hundreds of revved-up, bloodthirsty Democrats were tamed. The rally went silent, but it was obvious everyone was just excited by the call to put partisanship aside.

I've been hearing from everyone lately about a disgust with the way policy has taken a back seat to winning elections and politics has become a zero-sum game. Everyone is sick of the division and the vitriol, but the system that gives it to us also breeds more of it. I feel the same way, but if I hadn't been told a day earlier that I'm a murderer, I don't think hearing that silence fall over the rally would have made any sense.

If you throw them red meat, voters will eat it up, but only because that's all they think they can get. Watching that crowd transform yesterday was proof that they're actually hungry for something else.

I doubt we can ever really fix the system, but going to that rally has me thinking this may be the time to start trying anyway.

2006-09-13T13:00:00.000-04:00

I came in to work this morning and found a brand-new dictionary left on my desk for me. What a happy day.

2006-09-12T05:43:00.000-04:00

Reasons not to go to bed at 9 p.m.
-- You will wake up at 4 a.m.
-- You will not be able to go back to sleep.
-- Instead of sleeping, you will try to name all 50 states.
-- It will take more than an hour.
-- You will not be able to remember Connecticut or Iowa.
-- You still will not be able to fall asleep.
-- You will go to work at 5:30 to check your e-mail and blog about the whole thing.
-- The e-mail you were looking for will not be there (It is 5:30, after all), and your blog entry won't be all that great either.

2006-09-11T00:23:00.000-04:00

Hey folks!

It's the blockbuster fifth anniversary of 9/11! You didn't forget, did you? We don't always keep track of dates that great, so I thought I'd remind you in case you did. Don't feel bad if you did, as long as you don't also forget the lessons of September 11.

What's that? You did forget the lessons of September 11?

Well, before you do something crazy like vote for a Democrat, I'll help jog your memory:
-- We have to fight them over there before they try to fight us over here.
-- Don't cut and run.
-- We have to fight them over there before they try to fight us over here.
-- Mexicans must not be allowed driver's licenses.
-- We have to fight them over there before they try to fight us over here.

I'm sorry. I can't pretend to write that anymore. It hurts, and I'm sure I can't do justice to that line of thinking.

Seriously, though, how does this art get printed? How does it get bought? It's objectively bad.

I'm no art critic, but this stuff doesn't strike me as a fitting or appropriate tribute to the people who lost their lives that day, and not just because eagles can't actually cry. It's the visual equivalent of a limerick.

"Limericks about 9/11? He wouldn't...."

Oh yes, he would:

I won't forget the lessons of 9/11
I need a doggie bag to put my Chicken Kiev in
Howard Dean is a terrorist
But he won't be on St. Peter's list
Because only Republicans go to Heaven.

2006-09-01T19:24:00.000-04:00

I'm 90 minutes into my first season of fantasy football, and I have to say, I think I'm pretty bad. In fact, I think I may have done just about everything wrong.

I decided first that I was going to not strategize, and then I decided I was going to strategize, and then my strategy sucked. I read that you should try to take three running backs right from the start, but as it became clear that half the people were following that strategy and another half were going for quarterbacks first, I decided I should take two running backs and then grab a quarterback before I got stuck with Ken Dorsey.

I had all my players ranked as though everyone was going to use the same strategy as me, which turned out not to be the case.

I realized soon enough that I was going to need to recalibrate, but when I tried to start doing research on the lower-ranked players who I'd never heard of, neither NFL.com or ESPN.com would load.

That left me panicked and looking for anyone that I knew wasn't awful, like Phil Dawson. Suddenly, I felt like the kind of voter who doesn't pay attention to the election until getting to the ballot box: "Tim Hasselbeck? I liked that other Hasselbeck; I think I'll go with him."

In the end, I think I probably would do better if I had a second chance at it. I don't, though, so here's the lineup:

Quarterbacks: Marc Bulger (not bad), Byron Leftwich (dang)
Running backs: Clinton Portis, Warrick Dunn, Rueben Droughns
Wide receivers: Deion Branch, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Lee Evans, Andre Johnson
Tight ends: Jerramy Stevens, Jub Putzier
Kicker: Phil Dawson
Defense, Special teams: Bengals, Chiefs

Raise your hand if you care. No? Didn't think so.

2006-09-01T15:27:00.000-04:00

Quote of the week: "The smaller aperture of the lid has been designed to prevent hedgehogs from entering the McFlurry container in the unfortunate incidence that a lid is littered and is then accessible to wildlife."

2006-08-30T10:52:00.000-04:00

It's been about two years since anything else has mattered. I'm so close I can taste it, but I can't help feeling I'm going to screw it up anyway.

Damn.

2006-08-29T11:46:00.000-04:00

It's Free Money Tuesday!

Really, with the amount of work I do, almost every payday is a Free Money Tuesday, but the budget is set up for two paychecks a month, but there are three paychecks in August. That means no money is earmarked for rent, car payments, student loans etc.

Laura says I should blow the whole thing on booze, heroin and strippers. Who wants to come visit?

2006-08-23T22:09:00.000-04:00

It's really strange how a dream can dictate my mood for such a big portion of the day. I remember years ago going through most of the day very excited that I had made out with a girl, but puzzled by the fact we had been on a bulldozer or a backhoe. I didn't realize that it hadn't actually happened until later that night.

Today, though, I didn't want to get out of bed -- I actually slept on the floor, but you get the idea -- after a dream about an execution. Clearly inspired by my discussion with Martin about whether Jake Spoon deserved to hang in "Lonesome Dove," the dream centered around someone -- not sure who, maybe extended family, maybe Dave -- who had done something -- not sure what -- and was up for an execution.

Pretty much everyone I knew was in agreement that his public execution should go forward, and I was pleading with no one in particular about mitigating circumstances and due process and reasonable doubt.

I grew increasingly distressed but eventually was drained of energy and became miserably depressed. As the execution was about to start, inside some kind of glass dome with hundreds of onlookers sitting on checkered blankets as if it were a picnic, I turned and walked into another dream.

I was in a mall, I was in the Terminal Tower, I was in a parking deck, I was walking down the stairs with a Congressional candidate, I was doing my half-flying thing that I always do in dreams, and this dream was about something completely different, but I was still dejected about the execution.

Soon enough, my alarm went off, and I just laid on the floor, unable to move because I was so depressed. It occurred to me probably a dozen times that none of it was real, but I couldn't shake the feeling. I got dressed, I got in the car, I drove to work, and I sat down at the desk, but I still wanted to die.

I'm over it now, though. Maybe I should lay off the Westerns.

2006-08-17T15:55:00.000-04:00

I thought it would be fun to keep a running tally here of all the times I've walked in on my roommate to find him hastily putting his towel on in the family room, but I realized during this morning's installment that I've now lost count.

Sorry.

2006-08-15T11:14:00.000-04:00

The last e-mail from Rebecca is up.

Grange Insurance called today to finally settle my claim from the accident in October. On top of the $450 in medical bills, they'd like to also pay me $500 for my inconvenience.

If that's where they're starting, I'm sure I can get more. Does anyone out there have experience in this sort of thing that they could share? I'd love to know how much more I should ask for.

2006-08-10T17:21:00.000-04:00

I've been reading about this foiled terrorism plot, how similar it is to a plan that the 9/11 mastermind had been working on a decade earlier, the differences between the ways the U.S. and British governments responded, and how the White House will probably play it up for political purposes.

All of this has me thinking that the only thing that I really care about is staying up until midnight to watch the Browns' first preseason game.

2006-08-09T13:57:00.000-04:00

Also, I was involved in probably the worst shaving accident of my life yesterday. I'm lucky to have made it out of the shower before bleeding to death.

You normally need a hand to hold your razor and another to remove a chunk of flesh from between the blades, but that's difficult when you're also using a hand to apply pressure to the side of your face. I managed to get it done, but I decided I was done shaving for the day.

2006-08-09T11:25:00.000-04:00

The shocking conclusion!

2006-08-06T14:14:00.000-04:00

COLUMBUS -- It's probably been 10 or so years since I've been here, but it's amazing to see that the Ohio State Fair is exactly the same as it was back then.

The roasted corn's right where it always was; so are the model trains looping around the Lego cities. The sheep, the horses, the cows and the sows are all right where they always were, too, but that's because those buildings are made special for them.

The Expo Center still has all the same stuff: the BMV exhibit where you can get your driving record and see if someone has already taken your idea for a vanity plate, the big bulk "Mix 'Em Yerself" candy vendor in the corner, the hot tubs, the hawkers with the knives, mops and detergents "As Seen on TV."

Remember the part up front where the Department of Natural Resources had the boating safety and fishing lessons? The whole area has all the same stuff as it used to, Smokey the Bear standing out front, the benches with county names on them, the recycling displays, and the Crash Test Dummies dressed in orange in a little boat.

I think I've mentioned many times how strange it is that the drugs I'm taking have affected my appetite, but it never seemed so odd as when I saw the 4H exhibit with the prize-winning desserts. Imagine the pie display at Baker's Square, and then extend it to about 500 feet. I walked down the whole thing, and it didn't even occur to me that maybe I should want to eat this stuff until I heard someone else say how hungry it made them. Bizarre.

I also checked out the Democrats' booth and the Republicans' booth in the Expo Center. It's not like I can vote for any of them anyway, and it's not like I'd need help deciding if I could, but I always like to see how they're trying to market themselves.

The Democrats had a big Strickland/Fisher banner up, and they had brochures for each of their statewide candidates set out, as well as a couple House races. A video with Barack Obama giving a speech was playing in the background. The only negative anything was a fishbowl filled with wooden coins that had "Ohio GOP" on one side, and "Heads you lose, tails you lose" on the back.

The volunteers were wearing Strickland T-shirts, and they were all very chatty and trying to keep people around the table for as long as they could.

Over at the Republican booth, they were very much playing down their candidate for governor. The big banner in the back was for their candidate for auditor, Sandra O'Brien, maybe? They had brochures for most of their candidates, but I noticed that at least the treasurer candidate didn't have anything out there.

There were two women volunteering, one middle-aged, one my age, both sporting O'Brien T-shirts and unnatural-looking tans. They generally eschewed eye contact and conversation, and I think the most interaction we had was when she tried do hand me Fran DeWine's recipe book, telling me that Mike was a "family man."

I walked through a couple hours later and saw the Republicans still working their booth. After a while I came across the Democrats again, and noticed that one of the women looking at their brochures had her T-shirt inside-out. Then I noticed that she had an unnatural-looking tan. Then I noticed she looked very familiar.

She asked the volunteer about their candidate for auditor, and he basically knew nothing and told her so. I could have jumped in and told her that Barbara Sykes is a former councilwoman and current state rep from Akron, and blah blah blah, but I thought I'd just stand back and watch the spy at work.

The whole interaction turned out to be pretty uninteresting, in fact, and I wondered what the point was even supposed to be.

As it happened, I got a chance to ask, as I ran into her again at the library as I was on my way to blog about the fair. It could have waited until I got back to Washington, but I wanted a Columbus dateline.

I was headed for the stairs as she was coming down them and said, "You were at the fair yesterday!" I didn't recognize her until she said I went to the booth she was at.

"You were at the Republican booth," I said. She nodded and I asked, "Were you the one spying on the Democrats?"

She was very embarrassed, moreso when I said that they knew she was spying on them. Of course, I didn't mention that they only knew that because I told them. She said that another volunteer made her go over there, and there wasn't really any point to it.

We finished our conversation and went our separate ways, but just as I started typing about her, I noticed that she was again standing about six feet away from me. I keep having to change windows as she walks back and forth.

In other news: Good looking out, kids.

I tried to strip Rebecca's page of anything that would lead back to me, but I missed that one part. It's taken care of now, though.

2006-08-04T00:34:00.000-04:00

Can I send this link instead?

2006-08-04T00:09:00.000-04:00

The plan is to fly to Ireland and do a tour of the UK, with other stops to be determined later. No reason, really, except that it had to be done.

In other news: After more trips to the Lincoln Memorial than I can count, I finally realized that the Vietnam Memorial was just around the corner, and I made my first visit there since grade school.

At first I was just kind of appreciating the quiet walk, but as I descended deeper into the memorial, the wall of names came up to my knees, then my waist, then my neck. On the ground, pictures of soldiers who had died 35 or 40 years ago to the date were propped against the panels that bore their names. An 18-year-old posing with his high school basketball team. A boy who looked like he didn't need to shave yet, dressed in his Army best.

When I looked back up, the wall was far above my head. I was drowning in more names than I could comprehend, and I felt physically sick.

I don't think I need to discuss the connections between Vietnam and the war we're in now, which I support, incidentally. No, we shouldn't have gone over in the first place, and yes, the war has been disastrously mismanaged. But now that we're over there, I find it hard to justify pulling out and leaving behind that mess.

But as the war moves from one of noble goals -- pick the Bush line of the day: regime change, hunt for WMD, democracy-building -- and turns into a civil war between terrorist groups, it becomes less clear why we should be putting our own in harm's way. The fact that there's no end in sight makes a walk through the Vietnam Memorial pretty hard to stomach.

How many names are we willing to carve into the next wall?

2006-08-01T16:26:00.000-04:00

I am officially booked to become a world traveler as of October. As it turns out, flying to other continents and hemispheres is rather expensive. Fortunately, I'm rich.

Sort of.

Not really.

Screw it; I'm going anyway.

2006-07-28T17:33:00.000-04:00

Oh, Rebecca, it seems our time is coming to a close:

Thursday, July 27, 2006 12:20 PM

Well I will just have to wait its very hard like I told you when my Mom keeps calling and emailing me and asking if it has arrived yet. Well I hope that I get it in the next few days. I can't believe this ordeal with my brothers money. First he loses it and now to get it back. It is just very weird I think. Ok well I will talk to you sometime.

Rebecca

Friday, July 28, 2006 4:41 PM

Brian,

Well my post office says they don't have any letter where I owe postage. Also you told me you had mailed it from the post office and then in another email you said something about talking to the mailman at your house about the letter and telling him the story. I am praying if you did mail it you didn't tell him that there was all that money in that envelope or you know what happen to it!! Maybe it will get to me one day but it seems like my parents are gonna have to send my brother some money so he can get home. I appreciate you being honest and saying you found it but the thing is I have never gotten it so its hard to tell where it is now!?!? You can answser that and live with yourself knowing you sent it or not. I just would think you would be just as worried since it was your money you had to send since you had spent my brothers money the first time for your car you said. Ok well take care and I don't know what else to say. If it ever arrives I will let you know.

Rebecca

It appears she's giving up on me, so this seems like the right time to tell her that there never was any money and send her a link to the page to see us making fun of her.

Agreed?

2006-07-26T17:18:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Laura, it seems we also have a picture of Rebecca. That's her standing on the right.

The picture is from a meeting of the United Daughters of the Confederacy, so I hope that anyone who still thinks that I'm being cruel somehow will now agree that she has this coming on account of being a dishonest, money-grubbing, treasonous, anti-American fiend.

Her punctuation isn't that good, either, but what do you expect from Southerners?

Without further ado:

Tuesday, July 25, 2006 8:29 PM

RE: Well??

Brian,

Did you goto your post office also? I need to know what you are doing? I just am so frusturated with the entire thing. I wish you could have just sent me a check but of course you couldn't find your check book. I hope you finally did. Well I guess its floating around some where???

Ok see ya,
Rebecca

The reply:

Rebecca,

I went to the post office and they told me basically the same thing. It sounds like you just need to wait to hear from the post office where it ends up, but it doesn't sound like it should take too long to get the notice.

I really thought that I had put enough postage on it, though, because I had asked the mailman who was emptying the box. I walked past it again after I ate dinner that day, and I was still worried about making sure it got to you on time, so when I saw him, I explained the whole thing, and he said that there shouldn't be any problem with it.

But it sounds like you still haven't seen it, so obviously he was wrong. I'm sorry.

Let me know when you hear from Richmond.

--Brian

2006-07-25T00:12:00.000-04:00

She is freaking.

Sunday, July 23, 2006 10:29 AM

Subject: PLEASE READ ASAP

Brain,

Please tell me it cam back to you? I have a bad feeling you sent it out to the wrong person. I want to hear good news that you have re sent it out and its on my way now. Hey we are all human if that happen no biggie. Ok thanks hope you had a great weekend.

Rebecca

Monday, July 24, 2006 10:09 AM

Subject: Ok whats going on??

Brian did you get the envelope back and it was addressed wrong? I know I keep emailing you but I am trying to be positive about all of this. I bet it did. Ok well let me know.

Thanks,
Rebecca

And an e-mail back:

Hi, Rebecca.

I was sick on Friday, and since I don't have Internet at home, I'm just getting all your e-mails now.

Anyway, I'm sure I sent it to the right address, but I don't think that I put a return address on it. I was talking to one of my friends about it, and he was saying that because it was a lot of bills and I wrapped it up so good so you couldn't see the money inside, it might have been too heavy or something for just the one stamp that I put on it.

I'm not sure what happens in that case, but I'm going to try to get to the post office today and find out.

I'll let you know. Hopefully it will show up before then.

--Brian

Monday, July 24, 2006 1:35 PM

Ok thanks Brian. Why didn't you put your return address on it? I can't imagine it being too heavy but who knows with the post office. Can you find out is there anything I can do on my end if I have to pay the extra postage or what. Sorry about all the emails but you know how it is. Hope you are feeling better. Thanks again.

Rebecca

Monday, July 24, 2006 2:11 PM

Hey Brian I called my post office. They said if you didn't put enough postage on it it will goto Richmond and sit on someones desk and then I should get a notice in the mail saying I owe a certain amount. I wish you would have put a return address on it and she said then it would have gone back to you and then resent to me. Oh well too late now. I hope thats all it is cause as soon as I get it I am putting it in my bank and contacting my Mom. She is driving me crazy and keeps calling me about it. I am sorry I questioned about you NOT sending it. Its just stressful on my end. I hope this makes sense. My brother told he knows you sent it its just how the mail system is. Ok well like I have said before as soon as it arrives I will let you know.

Take care,
Rebecca

We'll mix it up a little more tomorrow.

2006-07-22T18:08:00.000-04:00

She's getting antsy!

Thursday, July 20, 2006 7:30 PM

Brian,

Ok I believe you. I am just concerned cause my brother really needs the money. You sent it to the right address I hope:

Rebecca Mahnker
3914 Lancaster Ring Road
Fredericksburg, VA 22408-8767

Is that where you sent it? I guess the mail is just slow. Oh well I probably will get it on Friday I just wanted to check with you. Thanks for emailing me back.

Rebecca

Friday, July 21, 2006 1:30 PM

Brain ok its been 5 days and nothing. Where did you send it to? I don't mean to sound like a pain but my brother really needs this money. I sent you my address I hope you sent it correctly:

Rebecca Mahnker
3914 Lancaster Ring Road
Fredericksburg, VA 22408-8767

Please let me know what is going on. Did you get it back and just mail it back out? I need to really know so I can call my Mom and tell her, she keeps calling me and I don't know what to tell her. Did you mail it regular mail or package?

Rebecca

An hour later:

Friday, July 21, 2006 2:44 PM

Brain,

I have a feeling you didn't send it or you sent it to the wrong address. My family is really upset. This means my brother will not be able to get home when planned. He now has to wait till the end of August. I just do not understand. I sent you the address and everything. I wish you could have just sent me a check. That would have made life so much easier. Now you say you sent cash and who knows where it is. Please Brain helps us out here did it come back to you? I sure hope so. Maybe it didn't have a stamp on it or did you send it the slowest way possible. Let me know whats up.

Thanks,
Rebecca

I had my own plans, but Patty's suggestions sounds really good.

2006-07-20T10:15:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how much longer this thing with Rebecca is going to go, so I figured it was time to move on to my next hoax.

And who could be a better victim than Sen. Rick Santorum?

I signed up for updates from his campaign website a while back, and yesterday, I got this:

Dear Brian,

I often hear from our volunteer Running Mates across Pennsylvania asking how they can offer support for my re-election. Many want to do more, but can't get to a volunteer center or find the time. Some say:

"Oh, I come to headquarters one day a week. I wish I could do more, but I just don't have the time."

"I'd like to volunteer more often Rick, but I have three young children to take care of at home."

"Work sucks up all my time. When it slows down, I'm planning to come make calls for you."

Well, I have great news for those who want to help, but face a challenge in getting to a formal volunteer event -- starting today, you can make phone calls from home, on your time, at your own pace! Whether you have 5 minutes a week, or 5 hours, you can make a difference.

To get started making calls from home, click here for the TeamVolunteer page. Then, register by clicking "santorum" at the top of the page.

Your information will be reviewed to match you with voters who have similar interests or who live in your neighborhood. You should receive an email confirming your username and password, and then it's time to start calling!

This Web-based home phoning system is one of the most volunteer-friendly systems I've seen. It makes it easy as ever to volunteer from home on your own time, allowing you to focus on your work and your families, and to get involved in the political process too.

Don't put it off -- which can be easy to do when you're busy. Click here to start making calls from home today!

Thank you so much for all you do. Keep up the fight!

Senator Rick Santorum

So they want to give me phone numbers of people who need help deciding on a candidate? I think I could offer some guidance.

When my phone rang today with a number from the 412, I figured it was yet another wrong number, but it was actually Jimbo or whoever from the Santorum 2006 campaign.

"We're just following up with the people who've signed up to volunteer for the campaign, and we verify the information they provide us with our voter databases, and I wasn't able to find you anywhere. Do you know why that would be?"

I explained the move and that I just registered in Virginia yesterday -- true, actually -- and he is pleased.

"So why are you interested in volunteering for Rick's campaign?"

Ugh. I didn't want to say anything that wasn't actually true, so I stammered for a second before spitting out the best I could think of: "I hate liberals."

He was silent; I regrouped.

"I'm just sick of how extreme they are. Since I've started paying more attention to politics, I've been really upset about the whole gay marriage issue and flag-burning and so I've been looking looking for candidates whose views are in line with mine. I noticed that for whatever reason, Senator Santorum has been having some trouble in this campaign, and I wanted to do my part."

He chuckled and told me that was exactly what he wanted to hear. It occurred to me what a sucker he must think I am, falling for the wedge issues that they use as political ploys, and then actually being energized enough to get involved in this bum's campaign.

So he's going to verify my voter information and then hopefully I can get some numbers to call and make sure that everyone knows all about Rick Santorum. I should probably start working on my script.

2006-07-19T20:02:00.000-04:00

So I sent Rebecca her money. Or something.

Hi, Rebecca.

Just wanted to let you know I sent the money. I rushed home after work to get my checkbook and get to the post office, but I couldn't find it anywhere. I still haven't found it, so I ended up having to go to the bank Saturday afternoon to just pull out the cash.

Anyway, I wrapped it up real good and mailed it off, so you should have it probably today or tomorrow, I guess.

Alright, well have a great day. Sorry this has been such an ordeal. I hope your brother gets back OK.

--Brian

She was very excited to get the news, I'm sure.

Monday, July 17, 2006 9:22 PM

Thanks Brian. I hope you found your check book. Thats not a good feeling when you misplace something like that. I hope you remembered to keep $50 for yourself. You have been great and my brother really appreciates it. He found a ticket online Sunday for $700 for his way home since its only one way. I will email you as soon as the money gets to me. I hope to get it Tuesday, ok thanks again.

Rebecca

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 5:59 PM

Brian,

Hello. I am writing because I didn't get the money today. You said you sent it out Saturday afternoon? Maybe that is why so it really didn't go out until Monday so I hope to get it Wednesday and Thursday at the latest. I guess maybe you should have sent it certified mail. Ok well like I said before I will let you know as soon as I get it. Where were you mailing it from? I live down here in Fredericksburg so maybe its just slower. I know my family that is in Woodbridge things take 2-3 days sometimes. Ok well thanks again.

Take care,
Rebecca

Wednesday, July 19, 2006 6:12 PM

RE: Good Morning- PLEASE READ THIS AND RESPOND

Brian I am getting worried now. I have not gotten my brothers money yet. I know you said you mailed it Saturday afternoon so I am guessing maybe I will get it on Thursday or Friday?? I hope so cause my parents are suppose to wire this money to him on Sunday the 23rd or on Monday the 24th at the latest. Please let me know when and where you mailed it from.

Thanks,
Rebecca

And then the reply:

Hi, Rebecca.

I'm not really sure what the delay is. It's definitely taking longer than I expected.

I stuck the envelope in a box on the street while I was hanging out in the District on Saturday afternoon or evening, so I'm not sure what the delay is.

I'm sure it's just the post office being slow. Hopefully it'll get there soon. Keep me updated.

Thanks,

--Brian

I'm trying to decide whether to pretend that someone can now prove that the money is theirs, or accuse her of lying, or maybe just keep letting her sweat it out.

2006-07-14T14:35:00.000-04:00

I was watching CSPAN3 in all my spare time, but having discovered that I have the NFL channel, I've been splitting my time and getting myself really revved up for football to come back. As it turns out it's less than a month away.

You know that thing I do where I grit my teeth and clench my fists and my arms shake? I'm that excited.

2006-07-14T13:15:00.000-04:00

I felt like this one should go up right away.

Thursday, July 13, 2006 9:53 PM

Brian,

Thats ok I understand completely. Days are like that at times. I appreciate you sending me the check on Friday and my brother does too:

Make the check out to me. I will email you when I get it also. I can't believe that guy has emailed you again. I wouldn't even bother answering his email. You should tell him to stop emailing you or just block him.

Thanks again and take care,
Rebecca

Again, her trying to ensure that the supposed rightful owner of the money doesn't get it is what really makes me enjoy doing this. She has got to drooling over there, waiting for that check to come on in.

2006-07-13T11:50:00.000-04:00

If my mother didn't read this, I might have some words to say about Rebecca; instead, here's some more correspondence:

Monday, July 10, 2006 12:39 PM

Brian I need to know when you are gonna get paid this week? Are you gonna send me a check this week I hope. Ok well please let me know.

Thanks,
Rebecca

Monday, July 10, 2006 12:39 PM

Brian I haven't heard from you and I wanted to see when you were gonna mail that check to me? I need to know since my brother will start looking for tickets and I need to get the money to him. He is trying to get back the states by the 31st of this month or maybe August depending on whats available. Ok well I hope you get paid this week cause you told me in 2 weeks. Thanks.

Rebecca

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 11:33 AM

Email me please

And the reply:

Hi, Rebecca!

Sorry I haven't been so good about replying. Work's been really crazy this week. I hardly ever get a chance to get online anymore.

Anyway, I'll get my paycheck today, so I can cash it tonight when I get off and mail it off tomorrow.

Sorry this has been such a drama, but things just get crazy sometimes. I'm sure you know how it goes.

All right, well have a great day!

--Brian

P.S.: That other guy e-mailed me again yesterday, but I'm not even bothering to respond. What a bum.

I considered getting biblical and asking what she thought was an appropriate punishment for such a person but thought better of it.

2006-07-11T15:40:00.000-04:00

I have to stop saying what's next on here. I put off posting about anything else until I've written about the first thing, and then everything builds up and I never write anything.

Anyway, I forget what else I've wanted to write about since then, but I haven't finished reading that 70-page decision, so I don't have all of my thoughts together on it just yet.

What I can say, though, is that although I think gay marriage would be good for gay people, their children, the economy, social justice and so on, the decision is evidence that reasonable can disagree on the issue and almost makes me regret my somewhat intemperate remarks in an earlier post.

The difference between this and that, though, is that the amendment was a thinly disguised political tool villifying a harmless minority, and one that, even if successful, would not have done what its most reasonable-sounding proponents said, although it will probably do some good in helping worthless incumbent politicians keep their cushy jobs.

In the New York case, though, the issue is addressed a little less emotionally, and while I don't care for the outcome and strongly disagree with plenty of the logic, I was pleased to see it handled professionally.

I'm not an opponent of judicial activism when it comes to constitutional law, but in reading the opinion I appreciate it as an example of judicial restraint. The author sounded unopposed to gay marriage in principle, but unwilling to say that the state constitution required it, examining just how discriminatory the law is and working from there to decide how the law required it to be dealt with.

It's probably not worth going into a discussion on the requirements for using strict scrutiny, intermediate scrutiny and rational-basis review, but the point is that the justices decided to use the most lenient standard for review and found that there was a rational basis for establishing state-sanctioned marriage without including gay people.

Again, I can appreciate the opinion as generally reasonable and founded in sound legal arguments, but I found myself saying "But..." at almost every turn. I don't think that the ban on gay marriage could have withstood the higher levels of scrutiny, either of which I think would have been more appropriate, and I don't think that the rational basis put forward for straights-only marriage was all that rational.

But the rational basis isn't necessarily required to be true, so the court decides that the law is constitutional.

I can feel myself starting to ramble, so I'm just going to go with the old journalist's default ending and walk out with a quote from the dissent:

"While encouraging opposite-sex couples to marry before they have children is certainly a legitimate interest of the State, the exclusion of gay men and lesbians from marriage in no way furthers this interest. There are enough marriage licenses to go around for everyone."

2006-07-06T11:15:00.000-04:00

This Rebecca chick is getting annoying with all her e-mails. I'd be frothing at the mouth, too, if I had $800 coming to me for free, but I don't think I'd be so pushy about it.

It's like getting constant e-mails from an ex-girlfriend; I see it, groan, and leave it sitting in the inbox, unread. As Laura can tell you, though, I can't leave messages in my inbox for very long, and I can't archive unread messages, so eventually, I'm forced to open it up. Anyway, here it is:

Tuesday, July 4, 2006 1:27 PM

Brian when you get back to work and read this let me know what you want to do. Because you can send me the money you have now or send it all at once in a few weeks. I know that either way you will make sure it gets to me. Please let me know.

Thanks again,
Rebecca

Wednesday, July 5, 2006 12:52 PM

Brian can you email me or call me and let me know what your plans are with the money. If you want to mail the cash thats find too. Just wrap it really good in paper. I have mailed money before. Or if you don't mind writing a check thats fine too. Ok well I hope to talk to you soon.

Cell # if you decide to call: xxx-xxx-xxxx or just email is fine too. Thanks again. Hope you had a Happy 4th!!

Rebecca

To her credit, she's really been very understanding about the whole thing. I reply later that day:

Hi, Rebecca.

Sorry I missed your e-mail yesterday; I was off of work.

It sounds like it would probably be best to just put all the money together at once and send it that way. I'll let you know right away when I mail it off.

--Brian

Wednesday, July 5, 2006 9:09 PM

Thanks Brian I really appreciate it and if that works well for you that would be fine with me. Ok well I just wanted to make sure you got an email back since you had emailed me. So you have my address and all that now right? Ok well have a good rest of your week.

Rebecca

So it sounds like she's just going to shut up and wait, right? Wrong.

Thursday, July 6, 2006 10:28 AM

Brian what you are saying you will be sending me a check for the entire amount which will be $750 next Thursday or Friday the 13th or 14th? Is that correct? How were you going to mail it? I hope the safest and cheapest way since my brother needs at least $700 for his plane ticket return. Ok well let me know if you need anything else but I sent you my name and address. If you need it again let me know.

Take care,
Rebecca

I don't know about you, but if I closed my bank account to fly to Europe, then lost the money, I probably wouldn't have just said, "Eh, I'll just get myself a one-way ticket out there and see if I can't hitchhike back." But we're going to mail her her money next week, and then the awesomeness will start.

In other news: I had a night of the most vivid dreams, notable only for the fact that they were all so different. There had been the dreams of just having a good time partying, dreams about hanging out with the family, a dream about some Ukrainian girl I met on the train, and then a dream where I got shot in the head by this guy from Holy Name. I think his name was George Selim.

I had to sit and evaluate whether I was dead or not, and when I realized I wasn't, I tried to play dead, but he shot me in the head again. He left the room, and I could feel the blood dripping from the roof of my mouth onto my tongue and down my throat. I slowly got up and was disappointed when Dad told me I couldn't use a gun to go after him. Somebody else gave me one, though.

This was all in the context of some sort of burglary/hostage situation, and we got into a van to go after these people. I started bawling as I sat in the middle of the back seat, and everyone else politely pretended not to notice. Once I had that out of me, though, I was feeling great, bouncing around, having an awesome time, although we never did end up going after whoever.

When I was a freshman, George Selim sat directly behind me during lunch, and he had a habit of antagonizing me. He was very tall, but there was one day when he was kind of lurched over to get in my face, and I actually took a swing at him. He leaned back in time and my fist whizzed past his face.

In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best decision I made, but it worked out OK, because I never had to deal with his shit again.

Next up: a post about the New York gay marriage decision.

2006-07-03T10:45:00.000-04:00

Remember when this guy used to be my AIM icon? He was awesome.

I spent Sunday walking around the Mall for the Smithsonian Folk Life Festival, where it was 80 trillion degrees and I wanted to die. I eventually found my way to the fountain in the Sculpture Garden, where I wet my feet and hair and laid down in the shade for probably an hour.

Suddenly it was starting to rain, so I started heading for the Metro, when who do I see, reading a book at the cafe? Matthew Lesko, decked out in his trademark stupid question-mark suit, question-mark glasses and question-mark shoes, toting a question-mark helmet for the question-mark Vespa parked at the corner.

I decided to ask him how to get money to start a newspaper. It's probably not what I want to do anymore, but I really just wanted to see if he jumped up and screamed about free money. Instead, he looked irritated to be bothered. I spent more time thinking about this than his answer -- "Can't go to the SBA for a newspaper; try looking for investors." -- because it was so unreasonable.

You can't wear that goofy-ass costume all over TV, running around screaming your head off about how excited you are about all this money that's out there, free for the taking, and then walk around the city wearing the EXACT SAME RIDICULOUS OUTFIT and not expect people to approach you and ask about free money.

He was polite enough, I suppose, but his obvious disdain was jarring. I was very happy, therefore, to look over my shoulder and realize I had set off a chain reaction of people approaching him to do the same thing.

Ha.

Anyway, Rebecca e-mailed me back, but I haven't read it yet. Stay tuned.

2006-06-29T17:25:00.000-04:00

I decided to put Rebecca off for a few days so I could wait until the end of the month and use some of the money for rent. In the meantime, she tried to make a last effort at the money:

Hello you have not responded to my email. I hope everything is alright. Did you mail my brothers money yesterday? Please let me know.

Thanks,
Rebecca

That was the last I heard from her. She probably thought the guy proved the money was his and figured it best to quietly fade away. So I'm hoping to reel her back in.

Rebecca,

Sorry it took so long to reply. That other guy said he would be able to show me his withdrawal slip and even have the bank pull the surveillance video to prove it was his, so I started to think that he must have been telling the truth.

But after I asked him to just show me the slip, he dropped off the map completely, so it sounds like he was just bluffing and trying to get your brother's money.

Anyway, I'm sorry it's taken so long to get it to you.

Unfortunately, I ran into a little bit of a problem with my car, and I had to use the money that I would normally use to pay the rent to fix it, so I got into a little of a jam, and since I hadn't heard from you in so long, I went ahead and used $600 of what I found to pay my rent.

I'm really sorry, but I figured that since your brother was unreachable somewhere in Europe, it wouldn't really make a difference to him whether the money came back this week or when I get paid again in two weeks. It just seemed like fate had led me to the money when I needed it the most.

Anyway, I'm definitely going to pay it back, so I wanted to send you what I still have. The $600 for my rent plus the $50 reward he wanted to give me plus the postage to send it leaves $124.61 that I can send now. Should I make the check out to your brother or your parents? Or do you just want me to send the cash? It seems a little risky, but whatever you want, I'm willing to do, because I know this has been such a drawn-out drama for you.

Anyway, I'm really sorry it's taken so long. Just let me know what you want me to do next.

--Brian

It didn't occur to me until just now that my math up there was off, but it seems extra funny, so I'm going to go ahead and send it that way anyway.

Assuming she takes the bait, I've a got a really good plan for about two e-mails from now.

2006-06-28T17:55:00.000-04:00

Maybe I was raised in journalistic fairy-tale land, but I really didn't think I would ever hear an editor say, "Yeah, plagiarizing from press releases is OK."

2006-06-27T15:28:00.000-04:00

A reminder for those who deal with the press: If you want something to stay off the record, you have to say so before you let the information slip.

Otherwise, this happens.

2006-06-26T17:15:00.000-04:00

It's OK, Michael; you couldn't help it...

Also funny: The publication releasing the study is called PNAS.

2006-06-21T11:28:00.000-04:00

Getting to write headlines like this make my job more fun: "Oregon Taxpayer Info Compromised by DOR Employee Downloading Porn"

2006-06-20T15:11:00.000-04:00

And another three when I came in to work this morning.

Monday, 6:31 p.m.

Brian it honestly my brothers. He was so upset. I am telling you the truth. My parents had to loan him $1000 just to get to Germany since he with drew all of his funds. Please mail it and believe me. He really wants you to have a $50 cash reward. I hope you can mail it soon. We really appreciate it very much.

Rebecca

Monday, 7:09 p.m.

Brian I sent you a response from your email saying you were going to mail it. I didn't know if you got my response cause my computer is so annoying. My parents loaned my brother $1,000 to get to Germany. I know he was so happy to hear someone had found his money. He didn't have a lot but that $800 is better than nothing at all. He was going to use that for his plane ticket but then of course that never happen.

We are a very honest family and that is why my brother wants you to receive at least $50 and he said when he returns in the Fall he will contact you and send you more. He just needs the money as soon as you can send it. Please let me know if you plan on mailing it.

Thanks again so much,
Rebecca

P.S. If you want to call me on my cell phone and talk to me you can xxx-xxx-xxxx

Take care and God Bless

Tuesday, 10:21 a.m.

Brian did you mail it tody? I need to know so I can tell my parents so they can contact my brother some how. We are not sure where he is now. Somewhere in Europe. Ok have a great day.

Rebecca

I laughed at her again, of course, upon reading this, but then I got angry when it occurred to me that she was sitting there, aware that the rightful owner of this money was trying to claim it, she was still going to lie and try to get it for herself.

It's funny that I would get angry about a woman trying to claim fake money, but I suppose it's pretty like me. A lot of times, I'll imagine getting into debates with people, then carry out the lines of argument and by the end, my temperature will be rising as I get angrier and angrier with this imaginary person.

As for the debate in the comment box, Googling her e-mail address shows that she graduated high school in 1988, so calling her mother doesn't seem appropriate.

Anyway, I'm trying to decide if I want to call her or not. I'm thinking about trying to stall until the end of the month and then being really sorry because "I got into a jam, and I didn't know whose money it was yet, so I used some if it for my rent."

2006-06-19T12:07:00.000-04:00

I spent the whole weekend running around DC trying to find furniture for my room, and while it yielded a nice desk and a gigantic bed, I forgot to check my blog for your suggestions on the $800, and I also forgot to check my e-mail to see if Rebecca had replied.

In fact, she had:

Hi Brian I wanted to see when you plan on mailing my brother's money?
Please let me know cause I will be leaving the 25th for a business trip.

Thanks

Then, 86 minutes later:

Well what are you doing with my brothers money? Please tell me you mailed it today!!

ramahnker@earthlink.net
EarthLink Revolves Around You.

I'll be honest. As I started to list all the possible things I could do to screw with this woman, I started to feel a little guilty about jerking her around. But after receiving an e-mail in such a brusque tone, I now feel free to go nuts.

I decided to start by saying someone else is trying to claim it.

Rebecca,

Sorry I didn't see your e-mails. I don't have an Internet connection at home, so I can only get online at work.

Anyway, I was going to stick the envelope in our mail when I came in today, but I saw that someone else is saying that they think the money is theirs. They didn't really give many details, though.

I'm not really sure what to do now....

I think that's probably the way to handle this step. Re-establish contact, start to pull away, but leave an opportunity for her to try to salvage it.

We'll see what happens.

2006-06-16T18:04:00.000-04:00

I've been spending an inordinate amount of time looking at Craigslist postings just to eat up some free time at work, and I thought it would be funny to post a phony listing to see what kind of response I could get.

I went with this:

Found: $800 in a Bank of America envelope in the bank parking lot.

E-mail me with the denominations to let me know how you want to pick the money up.

this is in or around Falls Church
no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

A couple of days passed with no reply, and I was happy to see that people are so honest. Then came the vulture.

My brother wanted me to email you since he doesn't have a computer. He thinks it might be his. He said his had 10's 20's and 50's and 100's. He lost more than $800 though. Please contact me ASAP.

Thanks

ramahnker@earthlink.net
EarthLink Revolves Around You.

Clever enough. All the denominations are covered, and if any weren't there, it's because someone took it and left the rest.

Hi,

I have to admit, after not getting any response for a couple of days, I was starting to think I may have stumbled on a windfall of my own.

I know I would have been freaking out if I lost it, though, so I'm glad to see the rightful owner getting reconnected with it.

If your brother can confirm about when he would have lost it and you can pass along some contact info, I'll be happy to get the money to you ASAP.

--Brian

And then

All I know he said it was sometime on Sunday or Monday but he does not know exactly when because he had gone back to the bank and all over both days and now he is not home. You can mail it to me and he would be so happy about that. He will be gone the rest of the summer in Europe and that is why he had all that money. He had to borrow money from my parents. If you can mail it to my house I can make sure he gets it. We really appreciate it. I am so glad people are honest in this world. Please email me ASAP. Thank you again.

Rebecca

Then another, which also included her address.

Aaron told me tell you "thank you". He called my parents today from England and he is so thrilled someone is so honest in this world. He told me to tell you to keep $50 for yourself.

I'm not sure how, without the Internet, he saw my listing on Craigslist, but it's all made-up anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter.

So now I'm trying to think of the right way to handle this:

--Call her out?
--Just stop e-mailing her?
--Start putting up hoops of minor inconvenience for her to go through. What wouldn't you do for your $800?
--Tell her I gave it to the police and send her to pick it up from them? That would be funny because she sounds smart enough to worry about being caught, but desperate enough to do it. This would definitely cause her anguish.
--Tell her I'll split it with her? Or maybe that I spent about $600 already, but I'll definitely pay her back. That would really piss her off.

Feel free to weigh in.

2006-06-16T12:54:00.000-04:00

The blog is back in action, so I guess it's time for the return of "A Very Short Play."

Bishop 1: Man, everyone really hates the Catholic Church.

Bishop 2: Yeah, everyone's leaving; no one's joining.

Bishop 1: What do you expect? With the sex scandals, institutionalized sexism, homophobia, I guess it was bound to happen eventually.

Bishop 2: Well, why don't we start making some changes around here?

Bishop 1: Good idea!

The next day

Bishop 1: That should bring 'em back!

Bishop 2: Great work!

The end.

When it comes to solving problems and helping constituents, I don't know who's more effective: Catholics or Congress.

2006-06-15T10:50:00.000-04:00

After Big Ben's accident, I decided to take to the Pittsburgh message boards and have a little fun with our toothless friends.

Two days later, they write a story about such classless buffoons as me, but they never bothered to quote me.

So I fired off a letter to the editor:

In Thursday's article on trash-talking football fans, Dr. Paul Friday says, "The people who are blogging in Cincinnati, they're the ones whose brains never fully develop," and he accuses those people of "hiding behind keyboards" to say what they wouldn't in public.

I'm right on the cusp of the age group Dr. Friday is talking about, so I can't say without a formal diagnosis whether my brain never wired all the way or if it's still getting there. But I'd like to come out from behind my keyboard and publicly take ownership of my remarks wishing ill on Ben Roethlisberger, both before and after his accident.

We hecklers may have the benefit of online anonymity in this instance, but we have a proud tradition of ruthlessly hectoring opposing teams in person. Just ask the drunk guy next to me at the Browns-Ravens game. Or Washington fan who threw a beer at me when King James knocked the Wizards out of the playoffs.

Leaving aside Dr. Friday's inability to distinguish between a blog and a bulletin board, his argument is faulty because he fails to recognize that talking trash is simply a part of sports. We harass you because it personalizes a game that doesn't actually have anything to do with anyone other than the teams.

When you're beating us, 41-0, the only victory the Dawg Pound cares about is mocking you while setting your Terrible Towel on fire. True story.

I suspect they won't run it, but it was fun to write. To get it within their 250-word maximum, I had to cut out the part about Sen. Rick Santorum and how their turnpike is a piece of trash.

2006-06-14T15:02:00.000-04:00

As much as I want Ken Blackwell to lose the governor's race because I think he's a hack, and as much as I want Ted Strickland to win because I think he's an experienced political moderate, the vote that I would have cast if I had still been in Ohio for this race wouldn't have been based on either of the candidates.

I really just want Carlo LoParo, Blackwell's press secretary, put out of business. That guy is so whiny, so non-calling-me-back when I need him, and such a general pain in the ass.

He'll probably go on to work for someone else even if Blackwell loses, but hopefully he'll be seen as a loser and be relegated to spokesman for the Colorado Black Republican Association or something.

2006-06-12T23:24:00.000-04:00

So I'm taking this politics quiz, and I'm asked to agree, strongly agree, disagree or strongly disagree with the following questions that have me somewhat stumped:

Should the government subsidize the arts, etc., and should the government subsidize small farms, etc.?

Without "I don't know" as an option, I settled on agreeing, but this one really made me think long and hard: Should it be legal for two consenting adults to challenge each other to a duel and fight a Death Match?

I really, honestly don't know. It feels wrong to agree, but I can't think of a reason to disagree.

Any thoughts?

2006-06-12T14:43:00.000-04:00

"Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was badly hurt in a motorcycle crash Monday and undergoing surgery. The extent of his injuries was not known."

It's probably bad that I really was happy to read the news. I just added "People who think it's OK to sincerely wish harm on Ben Roethlisberger" to my list of "People I'd like to meet" on MySpace.

I'd feel bad if he died from the injuries, but if his career were over, I'd probably have to remind myself that he's not a person, he's a treasonous dog, and then I'd be OK with it.

2006-06-09T18:21:00.000-04:00

When I die:

(1) Cremate me.
(2) Scatter me somewhere nice; do not under any circumstances keep my ashes in an urn on a mantle somewhere.
(3) Get everyone together and read Ecclesiates in its entirety.

Thank you.

2006-06-09T13:03:00.000-04:00

I'd like to take a moment to tell you how much I hate our Kentucky correspondents.

We have one guy who writes for a real newspaper, and he's OK. But then we have four goons from a law firm who, as far as I can tell, have never done anything worthwhile, but then they stick four bylines at the end of each story, presumably so each one gets paid for these stories.

One story they sent was a rewrite of a press release from the governor. When I say "rewrite," I actually mean an almost verbatim plagiarization. Furthrermore, the press release was more than year old.

The next story they sent -- to a magazine about state tax law -- was about how much the prizes were going to be for the Kentucky derby. I'm not sure how it was relevant to anything, but all four were happy to stick their names on there.

Today, we get this:

Effective June 2006, Marian Davis has been named the Commissioner for the Kentucky Department of Revenue and Eric Craig has been named the Deputy Commissioner. Don Guier has been named the Executive Director of the Office of Legal Services for Revenue.

With four bylines! It took four people to write that.

I'm still looking to see where they plagiarized it from, but I'm sure I'll find it soon enough.

2006-06-08T09:33:00.000-04:00

For the first few months out here, I had been forced to suffer through the atrocity of the 50-minute commute around the Beltway from College Park to Falls Church. If I wanted to trade time for hassle, I could spend about an hour and a half walking and riding the train.

I've finally moved to an apartment close to work, and although I've appreciated saving about $30 a week on gas or Metro fare, saving about three hours a day, having time to start running again and all the other benefits, I don't think I really appreciated the abbreviated commute until today, when I figured out how to stream NPR into my office.

Hearing the traffic report made me feel bad for the hundreds of thousands of poor souls who travel the Beltway every day, but it also made me feel superior and smarter than them for finding a better way.

Driving that road means taking your life into your hands, and there were several days when I narrowly averted more than one pretty good accident, so hearing that those suckers are trapped in an hour-long bottleneck while someone changes a flat tire in the middle of traffic really makes me appreciate the fact that my biggest hassle every morning is a pair of left turns.

Also: The Beltway used to be called the Circumferential Highway.

2006-06-06T14:51:00.000-04:00

Marriage in the United States shall consist solely of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution, nor the constitution of any State, shall be construed to require that marriage or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon any union other than the union of a man and a woman.

I was going to write about my weekend, but Martin wouldn't send me the pictures to go with it. So now you get another post about gay marriage.

All the sudden talk about the gay marriage amendment seems ridiculous to me, given that it's guaranteed to fail, and is therefore worthy of just as much attention as HR 3760. But all the coverage is for me like sumo wrestling is for the Japanese: the outcome is predetermined, but I can't help watching for the drama anyway.

So I wasn't really going to write about it, but I haven't yet heard anyone say what seems like the most important rebuttal to the advocates of the amendment.

Some people oppose the amendment on "states' rights" grounds. Although this is a valid argument, if it's someone's primary or sole rationale, the person probably just can't say -- for political reasons -- that he really doesn't mind gay marriage.

After that, people say that the amendment and its supporters are simply bigoted, which I tend to believe is true. Maybe you sincerely believe the two phony-baloney studies that say homosexuals molest their children, train them to be gay and then eat them alive. Maybe you sincerely believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman, whether it's because that's how it's always been (not true), or because the Bible says so (sometimes).

But that doesn't really clear you of charges of bigotry.

So the advocates of the amendment had to come up with a non-bigoted rationale: protecting our children.

Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney: "Your vote on this amendment should not be guided by a concern for adult rights. This matter goes to the development and well-being of children."
Massachusetts Rep. Emile Goguen: "That's not being prejudiced, saying a child should have a mother and a father. It's been like that for 2,000 years. I don't know why we're changing that now."
Bonnie Camarda, Hispanic Clergy of Philadelphia: "The institution of marriage was not created to discriminate against people. It was created to protect children and to give them the best home possible a home with a mother and father."
Richard W. Richardson, African Methodist Episcopal Church: "The Alliance For Marriage has labored long and hard on this issue... We did so because we are all united by a common vision of seeing more children in America raised in a home with a mother and a father."
Prof. Katherine Spaht, Louisiana State University School of Law: "We can do better than accept historically unprecedented levels of youth crime and child poverty because more than one-third of our nation’s children are being raised without the benefit of a married family made up of a mother and a father. We can -- and we must -- rebuild a culture of marriage and intact families in this country while we still have time."

Then there's a petition from the cardinals and archbishops of the Catholic Church -- an organization that quietly fosters just as much sexual deviance as gays do.

Marriage is particularly important for the rearing of children as they flourish best under the long term care and nurture of their father and mother. For this and other reasons, when marriage is entered into and gotten out of lightly, when it is no longer the boundary of sexual activity, or when it is allowed to be radically redefined, a host of personal and civic ills can be expected to follow.

But go back to the top and read the amendment itself. All it says is that those dirty fags can't put on their pink-ruffled tuxes and exchange rings. It doesn't say that gay folk can't live together. It doesn't say Adam and Steve can't adopt children. It can't even stop a lesbian from going to the sperm bank.

The one thing this amendment would do is make sure that the children who are raised by gay parents -- estimates range from 250,000 to 10 million -- won't have parents bound to each other in marriage.

If Sen. Wayne Allard really wanted to protect the children, he'd come up with a rule that they couldn't be adopted by gay people. But he gives us this instead, so what's it really all about?

It's about not liking lispy men who walk funny. It's about not liking that some women cut their hair too short and know their way around a motorcycle better than your uncle. And it's about making sure that those people can't live their lives the way you do.

But don't worry, that doesn't make you a bigot.

2006-06-01T23:40:00.000-04:00

Click to cry

So I managed to get into the National Spelling Bee in time for the last hour or so of competition.

I was glad to see at least one familiar face, a dorky home-schooled kid I had been rooting for last year. He was one of the six still on stage when I got there, but the next to go out ("sciolto," misspelled "shalto").

I realized soon after that the Indian woman sitting next to me was actually right in front of me last year. Turns out she travels to spelling bees all the time. Like me, she was betting on Canadian Finolla Hackett, who she told me had won her own country's bee two years running.

Most of my girlfriends have said that I don't show any emotion, but they should really see me at the bee. I'd had about five minutes to get acquainted with the personalities before I started getting choked up at every sigh of relief or sudden realization that a word had been misspelled.

When Katharine Close spelled "Ursprache" correct and got the nod from the judge, she went reeling back from the microphone in amazement and covered her face, and I had to hide my eyes from the Indian woman when she looked over at me.

I love this game.

2006-06-01T15:45:00.000-04:00

For someone who excelled in social studies and participated in the Geography Bee, I'm appalled at my fundamental ignorance of the basic layout of the United States.

Martin had much to say about my discovery that Tennessee is in fact only separated from Ohio by one state. I'm pretty sure that sometime when no one was paying attention, they switched places with Arkansas or something. How could we have let a state like that get so close?

Today, I was screwing around on Google Maps and made another shocking discovery: Delware is not, in fact, right up there by Vermont and New Hampshire. It's actually right next to Maryland, and within spitting distance of Washington, D.C.

Did you know that? I sure didn't.

Also, Pennsylvania is huge.

2006-05-30T13:03:00.000-04:00

So I went to Columbus and did what I had to do. Sort of.

It's a lot less dramatic using an automated voice messaging system, but that was the only option available. After two years, it just needed to be finished.

It appears to have not gone well. Whatev.

2006-05-25T22:12:00.000-04:00

Don't worry; it is now safe to smell me again.