So Brian Said

There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
--McJangles 5:08 AM
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I wish Quinn would put up a link for those of us who don't read Angela's weblog.
--McJangles 12:29 AM
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I was fixin' to write a rant regarding the mall, but I can't remember the word that pushed me over the edge. Stay tuned.
--McJangles 12:19 AM
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Kudos to Martin for fixing his misquote of my proper quote. I expected he wouldn't do that.

Quinn likes her play. I tried about 12 times on Wednesday to tell her this, but always got sidetracked: "Start your Blogger page and make it like your old page." Now that I say it, I think I actually did say it. Whatever. Start your new page and make it not-suck.

"Best ____ ever." I picked up the habit at Walsh, and I don't know if it rubbed off on Martin or if he had previously developed it. The point is, I'm going to call Martin's Nov. 25 post the best post ever, and it's actually going to be his best post ever. I don't know if I just think that because this topic has dominated a lot of my serious conversations lately, if it's just because Quinn has a guest appearance, or if it's actually the best post ever. Whatever it is, here's the link. It starts off as a commentary on flashers at a Guns N' Roses concert and evolves into a pretty serious discussion on sexual dynamics. My propensity for block-quoting is about to be saucified.

Martin says:

This is how men “think” about flashers: Gee, she’s cute. I wanted her to show me her boobies. Oh, she might… She just needs a little encouragement. Show us your tits! Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it…..Yeah!!!! …Slut. Oh, look at her… She might do it too. Show us your tits! Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it… Nice! …Whore.

Quinn says:

The bad part about being sexual with people you don’t love isn’t that they don’t call you in the morning. (This is easily solved by sleeping with people you wouldn’t want to talk to again.) It isn’t the risk of catching the creeping crud from somebody. (You can always just sleep with people whose hygienic practices you trust.) It isn’t even that no one respects you, and everyone thinks you’re “a slut,” possibly including yourself. It isn’t even that you might accidentally develop an excessive fondness for someone you’re “just benefits” with. It’s not really that hard to divorce your heart from your body. (Gee, thanks, Descartes.)

The worst part is that someday, you might want to sleep with someone you do love. Unfortunately, the natural correspondence between what your body does and what your heart does will have been neatly severed, and reestablishing that connection—well. It hurts quite a bit.

You can see how watching this transition makes for good reading.


In other news, I wore a shirt and tie all day yesterday, and a suit for a large portion of it. I did not, however, wear deodorant. Somehow, I managed to make it through the day without smelling like Michael. I'm rather proud of myself.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra was good times. I think I would have liked it even more if it was after Thanksgiving, there was a more serious snow situation going on outside or I had done any Christmas shopping yet. Nonetheless, it was rather enjoyable.

How do you know if your sleep schedule is in shambles? You go to sleep at 3AM and wake at 11PM. After a wholly unproductive day, I think I am going to force myself to go out and find a job of some sort tomorrow. I'll drop off apps and resumes at newspapers and publishers, then try fast-food places until I am hired on the spot. If I'm lucky, Mom won't chop off her arm again, and I'll actually be able to get some of this done.
--McJangles 12:51 AM
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Michael has requested that I serve as the rumor mill. The conversation stops being relevant around the Jimmy Buffet part. Enjoy!

So Brian Said (12:40:12 AM): Your post is stupid; mine is good.
I am MPB (12:40:15 AM): ok
I am MPB (12:40:27 AM): Guess what
So Brian Said (12:40:33 AM): Que.
I am MPB (12:40:42 AM): Are you ready to be the rumor mill?
So Brian Said (12:40:54 AM): Sure.
I am MPB (12:41:06 AM): Yeah, definalty saw Ms. Szwed today
So Brian Said (12:41:35 AM): That's not a good rumore.
So Brian Said (12:41:39 AM): rumor.
I am MPB (12:42:04 AM): Well, see here, you are the only one in the family who I have told, so the fact that there is a girl is.
I am MPB (12:42:10 AM): And her of all girls
So Brian Said (12:42:17 AM): So you saw her.
So Brian Said (12:42:22 AM): Big hoopdey dance.
I am MPB (12:42:28 AM): Yeah, and her family
So Brian Said (12:42:46 AM): I saw Khyle Duke and her family.
So Brian Said (12:42:49 AM): Guess where that went.
I am MPB (12:43:02 AM): Went to the airport to meet her, yeah plane definatly was late.
I am MPB (12:43:13 AM): Yeah, but her dad drove me back here so I didn't have to take RTA
So Brian Said (12:43:26 AM): How kind.
So Brian Said (12:43:45 AM): Stop saying “definitely.”
So Brian Said (12:43:47 AM): And the misspelling.
I am MPB (12:43:58 AM): Brian, guess what, I don't care.
So Brian Said (12:44:02 AM): So was this fruitful in some way?
I am MPB (12:44:34 AM): Sexually, not at all, but definatly “closed the deal” in the relationship department.
So Brian Said (12:45:01 AM): Why don't you say something that means something?
So Brian Said (12:45:14 AM): I can't be an effective rumor mill this way.
I am MPB (12:46:01 AM): OK, what do you need? How about the fact that I e-mailed her dad two weeks ago to make sure that the Szwed family wouldn't mind me showing up
So Brian Said (12:46:10 AM): How about:
So Brian Said (12:46:25 AM): Is she your girlfriend or are you just stalking her agin?
So Brian Said (12:46:31 AM): again?
I am MPB (12:46:48 AM): She is my girlfriend
So Brian Said (12:46:59 AM): Awwww.....
I am MPB (12:47:04 AM): shut up
So Brian Said (12:47:04 AM): Now you have to buy a Christmas present.
So Brian Said (12:47:06 AM): You're an idiot.
So Brian Said (12:47:15 AM): Everyone knows you wait 'til after Christmas.
I am MPB (12:47:27 AM): yeah, and her bday was this week, so I had to get one of those too
So Brian Said (12:47:33 AM): You blow.
I am MPB (12:48:00 AM): Yeah, but Linds did promise not to buy me deodrant for Christmas
So Brian Said (12:48:07 AM): Nice.
So Brian Said (12:48:33 AM): How about some Dr. Scholl's foot-stank removers?
I am MPB (12:48:50 AM): Yeah, that's all part of the same department
I am MPB (12:50:10 AM): But, really you need to get Jimmy Buffet's Trouble on the Horizon
So Brian Said (12:50:27 AM): Doubt it.
I am MPB (12:50:50 AM): And, did you know Wilco did a song on the I Shot Andy Warhol album? It's pretty good
So Brian Said (12:52:02 AM): Wilco is very good.
I am MPB (12:52:16 AM): yes they are
I am MPB (12:53:14 AM) The song is called Burned, just in case you were wondering. The whole album is pretty good, Jewel has a song on it.
So Brian Said (12:53:34 AM): Did I ever show you Quinn's short play about Jewel?
I am MPB (12:53:40 AM): No
So Brian Said (12:54:35 AM): http://quinn-love.diaryland.com/001207_24.html
I am MPB (12:54:55 AM): I already hate it
So Brian Said (12:55:25 AM): On account of the title?
I am MPB (12:55:28 AM): yes
I am MPB (12:58:21 AM): yeah, ok
So Brian Said (1:00:16 AM): Pretty good, no?
I am MPB (1:00:25 AM): yeah, uh huh

There you have it.
--McJangles 2:14 AM
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As I sat down on the toilet, I noticed that I had soiled my underwear. I couldn't remember wetting myself, but a giant, yellow stain was staring me in the face. I remembered joking that I was going to wet my pants while I was forced to wait through the credits at the movie.

I stared at my dirty panties for some time before realizing they smelled a lot like popcorn. Please do not let me near those self-serve butter dispensers again.
--McJangles 5:30 AM
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I stole this from Super-Furry Cizzy, who received it from Martin Smith....

1. What’s your name? Brian Bardwell

2. What's your superhero name? GrammarNazi: I like smushed-up, double-capitalized names.

3. Where do you live? Columbia, OH

4. What time is it? 433AM; Friday, November 22

5. What's the best thing about taking surveys? A) Trying to figure out what you think about something you’ve never considered before. B) Coming up with better-sounding constructions of other people's questions and answers.

6. Do you prefer carpet or hard wood floors? Hardwood, but the bathroom needs linoleum or tile.

7. What's a bad way to change the subject during a conversation? "So I'll see you later."

8. What cartoon from your childhood should be turned into a live-action flick? Superman or X-Men.

9. How long do you leave leftovers in the fridge? By the time I get them out of the car, it's too late to put them in the refrigerator.

10. When was the last time you noticed the sky looked nice? Walking out to my car after production on Wednesday night.

11. What was your favorite part of the last museum you visited? Climbing the "FREE" stamp afterward.

12. Is it becoming easier or harder to believe what you read? Much harder.

13. Who do you think has best played the President of the United States in film? I really liked the casting of Lance Henriksen as Lincoln, but I can't really remember his performance.

14. What's your favorite recent discovery? Noun case.

15. Would you rather have a virtual reality simulator or a time machine? Time Machine. I'd take it out west and roll the clocks back about 150 years.

16. What instrument do you/would you play in a band? Guitar and pans. Soon, I'll graduate to saws and canjos.

17. Name something in the room that has potential for amusement, besides yourself, of course. I'd bet that everyone says "computer." I say the half-empty can of pop left next to the keyboard. Doing that cool, make-the-can-look-like-it's-about-to-tip-over trick gives me an incredible thrill as I do it dangerously close to my dad's computer.

18. A lot of survey use the same questions; should I feel self-conscious about asking the same questions as your last survey? No, you should feel self-conscious that I am editing your questions.

19. Your favorite person in the world has just walked into the room with a bag of groceries. What's in the bag? I don't know who's holding it, but the bag has Cheez-Its and a 12-pack of Coca-Cola.

20. Where's a good place to eat by you? Goldie's.

21. What would be the coolest book to own a signed copy of? Can't beat Martin on this one. (This is a competition, right, Quinn?)

22. What do you predict will be the next 80's merchandising icon to be resurrected? Max Headroom, I hope.

23. What's the worst invention of the last 150 years? The Internet was pretty good, but I think it's going to paint such a terrible picture of the usage of English that it will force the admission of some heinous entries into the dictionary. No, it's not worth it.

24. Which would you rather have: free unlimited DSL or free unlimited Swiss chocolate? DSL.

25. So, I've rescued the princess from the tower, and we're at Aladdin's on our third date. Suddenly, a dragon appears and attacks the city. I've got a plastic Slinky, a scented dry-erase marker, an inflatable kiddie pool, a jar of Nutella and a rearview mirror. How do I defeat the dragon before dinner gets cold? Is it a green dragon or a red one? I don't know who wrote this survey, but because I orignially read it imagining Martin Smith asking the questions, I can't help but laugh too hard to concoct a possible solution.

26. What rarely fails to make you laugh? There's nothing unfunny about people being run over by trucks. OR: "Because it's my hand!"

27. What’s the coolest or strangest thing you’ve seen up for bid at eBay or elsewhere online? "Used underwear with light poopy stains" Did I mention that I was the seller? Although I never shipped them, my briefs went for about $6, as I recall.

28. What's the best way to start a fight at the World Scrabble Championship? I don't pick fights at religious services.

29. Sinatra, Elvis, Beatles, Clash, or Tori? The Beatles or Elvis. We're talking about Costello, right?

30. If price were no object, what would you like your home built out of? Glass. And then I'd throw stones.

31. What time is it now? 500AM exactly.

32. Are you enjoying the survey? Yeahyeahyeah.

33. What's more important: process or product? Product.

34. At what point do you quit reading a book you don't like? I judge books by their covers.

35. Do you ever find yourself making anagrams out of random words you're reading? Not usually, but I have a battery of other word games to play when I'm bored.

36. Who's the most famous person you've ever met? All I can think of right now is the guys from the Black Keys.

37. Do you consider making a list of specific things to do before you die more restrictive or more facilitative? Facilitative. Super-Furry Cizzy is an idiot if he doesn't know what that means.

38. What was your favorite TV show to be canceled before its time? When it was on Fridays at 9, I liked several shows in the slot before X-Files: Strange Luck, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. and Millennium (also with Lance Henriksen). Further, MacGyver should never have been canceled.

39. If possible, name three good things about the 1980s. Def Leppard, MacGyver, me.

40. Are the shorts coming out of the dryer inside-out and buttoned because: (A) I put them in like that, (B) the forces inside the dryer caused them to do that, or (C) mischievous fairies are at work?Cizmar was wrong; this is the worst question ever. Also, I hate when people spell fairy with an "ae."

41. What fictional character works best for you as a role model? I liked Archie in both All In The Family and The Chocolate War.

42. What’s the best sense to have? Decency

43. Would bringing back the men's fashion of wearing hats be cool or pretentious? Cowboy hats? Cool.

44. When you write your autobiography--and you will--what will it be titled? .

45. What do you generally do when you see a misspelling in a "professional" publication? An exasperated "goddamn" followed by throwing the item across the room usually suffices. I'm getting too good to throw an all-out tantrum every time.

46. When leaving home, do you have to run back in three times for stuff you forgot, or is it just me? No, that's just my dad. Wait, it's also my brother. Oh, wait, it's me, too.

47. What would you be doing if you weren’t answering this survey, excluding reading e-mail? Finishing reading my blog circle and studying up for my TSO story.

48. What will you do right after answering this survey? Post it, read blogs, study up for my TSO story.

49. How likely are you to write your own survey after answering other ones? Not at all.

50. Assuming your survey was a sentient being, what would you name it, based on your answers? Falcor.

BONUS QUESTION #1: What was your favorite question in this survey? Bonus Question #1.

BONUS QUESTION #2: What question would you like to have seen that wasn't here? Who's your Dobby?

--McJangles 5:30 AM
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I don't know what it is about the HTML block-quote tag, but I can't stop myself from using it. Hardly a posting day goes by without my using it.

There are several items I would like to add to my unimpressive portfolio table to the left, but someone is apparently determined to make sure that nothing published in this semester's editions of the Buchtelite are read online. That really pisses me off.

Also, I've removed the Pledge survey. I hope you're happy.
--McJangles 1:58 AM
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Dear Mr. Bardwell:

At 01:03 AM 11/19/02 Tuesday, you wrote:

1) In unabridged.m-w.com, subhead 4.a.1 of the first entry for 'nominal' misspells 'distinguished' by dropping the H. It looks fine in the actual book, though. Thought you'd like to know.

Thanks for taking the trouble to point this out. I'll pass the information along to our Web department for follow-up.

2) I keep hearing people say that Rolling Stone or some other source reported that the next edition of Merriam-Webster will include 'bootylicious.' I guaranteed them that that was impossibly ludicrous.
Please tell me I'm right.

We've seen some pretty unusual words enter into standard usage, but so far "bootylicious" is not among them. The term in question was actually "booty," for which the following entry was included in the 2002 printing of Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition:

Main Entry: ²booty
Variant(s): also boo·tie /'bü-tE/
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural booties
Etymology: dialect (African-American) booty, boody buttocks, female genitals, sexual intercourse, perhaps ultimately from ¹bottom + ⁴-y
Date: 1928
slang : BUTTOCKS

I hope these comments are helpful. Once again, thanks for alerting us to the typographical error at "nominal."

Cordially,

Karen Wilkinson
Associate Editor
Merriam-Webster, Inc.
--McJangles 12:10 AM
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After they failed me in finding a name for the cents symbol, I was infuriated enough with Merriam-Webster to send them another e-mail. This time, I found a spelling error in their definition for nominal. That'll teach them to suck. I also asked for them to deny the Rolling Stone's allegation that they are including bootylicious in the next edition of the collegiate dictionary. They better come through this time, or I'll find another spelling error.
--McJangles 1:11 AM
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It is Brian's page.

When a noun becomes possessive, is it still a noun or does it become an adjective? I'm rather perturbed that I don't instantly know the answer. Before I go just looking up the answer, you are welcome to sit in on another of my (in)famous one-man forums. (I wish the plural of forum were fora.)

As you pick apart that sentence up top, it seems easy enough to peg which part of speech each word belongs to. Pronoun, verb, noun, noun. When you juxtapose two nouns, though, you usually need to stick a comma in the middle. Unless you don't like commas after introductory clauses and so forth. If that's the case, go read Michael's page and know that I hate your writing.

So the no-comma thing sets off the bells and whistles. It suddenly seems that Brian's is actually an adjective. It is clearly narrowing down the number of pages that "it" might be.

"It is a page."
"It is a funny page."
"It is Brian's page."

Then I remember that it's functioning more similarly to a possessive pronoun than to an adjective. It is not describing the page, but rather ascribing ownership.

"It is his page."
"It is my page."
"It is Brian's page."

Now I can't decide which function it's actually serving. I'm leaning toward the second, but then I also think that possessive pronouns should actually be adjectives. When something has that narrowing-down effect, it shouldn't be a noun. I'm not sure of the name to differentiate the two types, but in possessive pronouns, you have my, your, his, her and its, then you have mine, yours, his, hers and its. I would allow the second group to be pronouns, as they are more like replacements for the actual noun, but again, the first group seems to do more noun describing and noun narrowing than noun replacing.

So it seems that as Mrs. Yates always told us, we should go with our first instincts. It seems at first to be a noun, then it looks a lot like an adjective, but further reasoning apparently disproves that. Now I'll look it all up and get back to you.

Merriam Webster

Back to the topic at hand. Merriam-Webster says that we have "possessive adjectives." That seems to solve the problem, but check out the definition: a pronominal adjective expressing possession (as my in "my hat," his in "his answer").

So it looks like the pronouns from the first set can also function as adjectives. Sounds good enough, right? It's not. The problem word here is pronominal. That means that possessive adjectives can only be pronouns. It seems that if my in "my hat" can be a possessive adjective, so can Brian's in "Brian's page." It apparently can't; if they wanted to include regular, straight-up nouns, they could have just said "a nominal adjective blablablabla," as nominal includes both nouns and pronouns.

We move to the next reference....

University of Ottawa Writing Centre

You can't always trust sources of grammar information designed for people who don't know how to write, but it was the first and most comprehensive result from Google. I'm going to list my findings now and then verify that UOWC can be trusted, after all, it is in Canada.

While I can string together words or shuffle them around as needed to create a grammatically correct sentence, like the H-Dog, I learned my grammar on the streets. I know about as much as they told us in grade school, which was a lot less than I was able to handle. We had to slow it down for the rest of the class. Consequently, I didn't learn about anything advanced, like participles and the subjunctive tense or learn the names for some of the grammar concepts. The reason that this aside is relevant is that the first set of above-listed pronouns are not pronouns at all. Rather, they are--as we saw previously--possessive adjectives.

First I don't know about pronominal adjectives, and then UOWC hits me with "case." Case is sort of a grammar concept that's advanced because it's so basic. The first thing you learn about when you learn grammar is parts of speech. The first part of speech you learn is the noun. The first thing they tell you about nouns is that they name people, places and things. That, however, is the extent of what they tell you about their function. As the namers of objects in a sentence, nouns then have three different functions, properly called cases:

Subjective: People eat Brian's food.
Objective: People eat Brian's food.
Possessive: People eat Brian's food.

The point here is that nouns in the possessive case function as adjectives, while retaining their nounhood. As I check other writing references, I now see that the same is true for pronouns. Pronouns in the possessive case have two forms, nominal (nouns) and adjectival (idiot).

My deductions were correct earlier, that his, hers, ours and theirs, as nominal possessive pronouns, function as nouns, while the adjectival possessive pronouns function as adjectives. Parallel to that, possessive nouns are still nouns; they simply pretend to be adjectives.

It took me much too long to figure out and delineate something that now seems rather rudimentary and self-evident. Fortunately, probably no one has read this far in and will therefore not know if I eventually came to some sort of grand conclusion. I'm going to maintain that I did.

EDIT: It is fora!
--McJangles 3:01 AM
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My apologies to everyone offended by my behavior this weekend. It was Beth's fault.

I saw Andrew doing the "Which makeup are you?" quiz the other day. There are so many of those "Which [fill in the blank] are you?" quizzes, and I always do them when I see someone's results, but I'm hesitant to put them up on my page. When someone as color-blind as me knows how ugly that looks, there's a problem. Anyway, I've been seeing the "Which Founding Father Are You?" quiz a lot lately, but even with as many people's results as I've seen, I don't think I've yet seen anyone with the same as mine: John Adams. I like it.
--McJangles 2:02 AM
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Lapsing Into A Comma is fantastic. When I was at Borders on Friday, I was depressed at my now long-standing habit of not reading. I told myself I was not leaving without a book, and thusly, I picked up Bill Walsh's style guide. I hammered through the first half last night, and I am regrettably not going to be tearing up the second tonight, as I need to force myself back into a normal sleep schedule. If I were the obsessive-stalker type, this would be the person. Alas, I'm not. He, however, looks a lot like the type.

I was going to write a poem, but all I could think of was Jay's. I'll post it here for the enjoyment of everyone who doesn't read Jay's page:

Thinking about drinking
A bottle of Drano.
I'm so full of angst;
I need to be spanked.

I wish I had such a life of sunshine and roses. Also, you may have noticed that this sounded a little better than Jay's. That's because I edited a little for punctuation, capitalization, and--a first for me--cadence.
--McJangles 5:33 AM
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Did you ever hear a song and feel like it was accusing you of something horrible? Shut up, music.
--McJangles 6:21 PM
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I could not possibly be any more disappointed.

Brian said:

I've been scouring the Internet for quite some time, but have been unable to find the answer I'm looking for.

I need to know if there's a name for the cents sign (¢). I have to imagine someone's called it something other than "the cents sign" and "the crossed-out C."

If you have any answers--or even conjecture--I would be ridiculously appreciative.

Thank you,
Brian Bardwell

They said:

Dear Mr. Bardwell:

I have not found any indication that this sign is called anything in particular other than "cent symbol," much the way $ is usually just called the "dollar sign." If alternative names are in use, they must be pretty rare.

Thank you for writing.

Sincerely,

--Michael D. Roundy
--Associate Editor; Physical Science Editor
--Merriam-Webster, Incorporated

I wish I could convince myself that this guy is just an idiot--after all, he the "physical science" editor. Alas, I know that these people probably have twice as many references in their memory as I looked at on the Internet. The really unfortunate thing is that I probably won't stop trying to find the name. Here's to futility.
--McJangles 5:50 AM
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Why the hell am I deleting posts from my ShoutBox and being forced to tell people to behave?

Again, if you want to act like an idiot, do it on your own page.

Also, "social irony" was a nice attempt, but I'm sure no one bought it.
--McJangles 11:56 AM
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The page might load faster now.

EDIT: Botched that. Let's try this.

EDIT: Wrong again. Let's dig a hole.

EDIT: All's well that ends well. This should load faster and/or look right. Let me know.
--McJangles 8:46 AM
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I would drive a stake through my head to be allowed to vote for Judge James Kimbler.
--McJangles 8:30 AM
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The plan is usually to start reading blogs while my dinner heats. Then I finish eating while I finish reading. This damned microwave, though, was determined to leave me nothing to read while I ate. I microwaved and microwaved and microwaved, but it refused to heat anything. I was sure I was going to be eating dinner and reading (gasp) the newspaper, but alas, I underestimated Martin Smith's capacity for long-windedness. However, kudos go out to him for not sounding like stereo instructions anymore. His most recent post included several genuinely amusing gems, most notably the bit on confetti, the instructions for record-sorting at Goodwill and the spell-check rant including the most extreme disjecta membra I've ever seen. Good work.

Anyway, because I am such a glut, the portion I served myself wrapped up just as I was watching the last of the Lego movies featured on Laura's page. Go me.

So I was thinking about words again, and here's what I've decided: First, "meteorologist" is funny because it sounds like "meaty urologist." Second, "beige" reminds me too much of "benign."

If you don't hear from me for a long time and think I'm dead so you come up to my room and there's a horrible smell, don't be afraid, I just lost track of time while playing on unabridged.merriam-webster.com and haven't left the computer for several weeks. I'm probably in a pile of my own waste and so forth, which accounts for the smell, but I'm not dead. Just unplug the computer or something; I should come to.

Moving on (or backward), I had two errors in the last post. I misspelled cemetery both times. I also mistakenly called the Rocky Horror Show the Rocky Picture Show, which sounds infinitely better. I actually was lying awake the other night trying to recall which was the correct name, and I realized that it was the former, but my limitless knack for aesthetic pleasure got the better of me. Cemetery, meanwhile, was a back-and-forth debate in my head both times I wrote it. I should have just gone to the dictionary, but I knew I would never come back to finish the post.

I started this entry, like most, several hours ago. It's never easy posting on here. Martin says the page is continuing its decline. I find that irritating. I wonder if he just has failed to reconsider or if all this effort is actually for naught. Fiddlesticks.

And now, for the funniest quote ever: "Lest you think the true believers are made up only of the sort of people who write letters to the editor..."
--McJangles 5:40 AM
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Laugh now, because if you laugh after reading this, the Drifter will bust out a shiv and tear your throat open.

I am in a band. The Hobo Kin are taking over the world. We play bad music, and we typically play it loudly. Sometimes it's folk; sometimes it's blues; sometimes it's just a post-punk, glam-rock, nu-metal, riot-grrl, acid-jazz, trip-hop, badass jam. Whatever it is, we're coming to cemetery near you.

After three practices and at least as many line-up changes, the Hobo Kin hit the road for their first tour. Here are the dates:

Oct. 31 - Brimfield Cemetery

We wrapped up the gig/tour after a blazing five-song set. The crowd was wild, with at least or exactly one girl for every guy in the band. The Doughnuts were the opening act, and they were positively delicious. When I forgot the words to my only real vocal part, one of the Doughnuts came on stage and covered for me. The pans were tuned perfectly, the guitar was delightfully out of tune, my percussion was way off and our voices left plenty to be desired.

Unfortunately, the police never showed up to throw us out. I guess things don't always work out as planned. We'll have to make sure our manager double-checks that they know we're coming into town to rile things up.

After that, I saw the Rocky Horror Show. I didn't realize I was wearing the gayest shirt I owned. Fortunately, I had a girl with me who was not "just a friend." Wonder Woman was also there, falling out of her costume.

The next day, I went to do blotters. I didn't have my bag to smuggle the reports out; Officer Mihoda fortunately did not notice my incredibly well-shaped buttocks.

"Full Belly/Fast Train" rules. My song-writing skills do not.

Quit laughing.

Also, if you have a spare tour bus, we could really use it.
--McJangles 2:13 AM
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