So Brian Said

Spring has sprung, and break is broken. Time for the Spring Break wrap-up.

Money spent: $250.00ish
Money earned: $20. (In case you didn't catch that, I'm in the hole.)
Miles driven: Several.
Countries seen: 2
Bars hit: 2--That's a lot for me.
Incidences of drinking: 3--Again, that's a lot.
Times drunk: 1.
Sleeps slept: Not enough.
Times I wanted to kill writers: Zero. Ahh...
Good times: Definitely.

So I guess that's all pretty good. But now it's back to the classes and the paper. I think it's time to start hunting for a job. The end of school is a mere 6 weeks away. That's 6 weeks until I begin my hostile takeover of the Buchtelite. Hot dog.
--McJangles 8:41 PM
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And I'm sure you're wondering about the money. Yeah. It's all gone.
--McJangles 2:56 AM
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I remembered a couple of stories. If you've ever been through customs, you probably know that these guys are slower to laugh than the changing of the guard guards. This 17-year-old is sure he has the most important job in the world: guarding Canada from whatever illicit contraband might be under my trenchcoat. So Inspector Gadget stops us and asks if we have any drugs, alcohol, bombs, etc. "No. No. No. No." Just when it seems like we're going to be able to pass without trouble, he asks, "So where are you staying?" "Red Roof Inn." "In Windsor?" Then he breaks out this little sheet of orange paper that I know is bad news. He begins scribbling for quite a while.

"There's no Red Roof Inn in Windsor." No problem, I think. I'll just stay at the Days Inn or whatever. However, "Red Roof Inn" is apparently terrorist code for "I'm going to kill your Prime Minister." So he requests that we pull forward a few feet. He sticks his orange paper under the wiper blade and directs us not to Casino Windsor, but rather the customs garage, where an even younger kid pulls and reads the sheet and snaps, "Step out of the car, open all the doors and trunk and stand in front of the hood." He then tries to make sure I have no weapons on me. It was as if he was trying to frisk me but was homophobic and afraid he might like it. "You don't have anything on you.... Do you?" I conveniently forgot the four big blades all in one pocket and responded in the negative.

He searches through all my clothes and and bags and seats and under the floor mats and seemed a little distressed by the cloth sagging from the roof. But I guess we checked out ok and were unfortunately not terrorists. So James Bond Jr. sent us to the immigration window or somewhere and they were also rude. Everybody was horrible. Until we got out of customs.

This post is way too long, and I still haven't gotten to the Rodeo Cheeseburger story. We'll see if I can get that one out also.
--McJangles 2:56 AM
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Back safely, in record time. I don't have any stories to tell about the trip. Sorry.
--McJangles 9:23 PM
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I'm off to see the Windsor, the wonderful Windsor of take-all-my-money-and-never-give-it-back-I'm going-to-hate-myself-for-this-man-I'm-stupid-stupid-stupid-stupid-stupid. Wheee! Good times.
--McJangles 6:49 AM
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Sooooo....... I went to Mulligan's and began to drink. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to eat anything all day long. So I was pretty bad right away. I really wasn't going to get drunk. I haven't been 21 for a week and I'm an alcoholic. At least I've got the first step down. I got a little friendly with Toni. And I danced again. I really shouldn't drink.

I was also smart enough to stay out until 330 in the morning. That's fine, except that Brittany and I are going to Windsor tomorrow. Guess which one of us is driving. ARGH!!! So we'll see how that goes.
--McJangles 3:42 AM
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How about that road trip. Looks like it's on. Stay tuned.
--McJangles 12:00 PM
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Talking to Grandpa is great. You hear funny stories about parents, aunts and uncles. You hear a little philosophy. You get a mini-lecture on religion. Then, if you're lucky, he'll make jokes about your sex life.... At least he waited for Mom to leave for that one.

Grandpa says that when men have a headache, they make it out to be cancer, while when women have cancer, they make it out to be a broken fingernail. First: I don't think he's ever seen a woman react to a broken nail. Second: I don't think he's ever met Bobbi.

Michael bought Nigger today. That's a different talk with Grandpa altogether.
--McJangles 12:43 AM
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Spring break sucks. It turned out that I don't have a million dollars; I actually only have $3.50. I may not be going to New York, or anywhere, but I've got at least one night's shelter a little upstate, so we'll see. I imagine my tremendous apathy will keep me at home. What a boring life I lead. At least I'm not dealing with writers. "Oh leave my words alone, they're gold." "No, they aren't; you need to put a semi-colon in there."

Had myself a lovely dinner with the lovely Brittany. We decided to try Michael's service out. He didn't understand that I don't want my server to be friendly even if know him. Servers and customers should not have conversations. Oh well. So the second I got home, he called. "Can you come pick me up?" At least the weather was nice for driving.

I also had a lovely half-hour conversation with, as Jill would say, "some random girl from California." That's about as social as I've been in a long time.

Tomorrow's agenda: Going to a bar. This should be comical. Me and the crew. Here's how it will go. Andrew and I will walk in. He will say "hey" to everyone. I'll go to the bathroom and avoid talking to people. I might find a person I know. I'll talk to him or her until the person decides I'm annoying. I'll continue talking and eventually get the picture. Then I might make an ass of myself in pool. Then I'll go sit at the bar and stare at my beer. The beer-staring will be my favorite part of the night.
--McJangles 9:57 PM
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The dossier finally looks about right. If you have any idea how to get rid of that extra dead space at the bottom, let me know. Just hit the contact button up top.
--McJangles 10:09 PM
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Hitting other blogs, I get annoyed when there isn't a box to tell me about the person I'm reading about. Then I realized I don't have one. On the off chance that someone's reading this, I'm including that information on my page.
--McJangles 9:16 PM
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You know how they just hook people up to disks in the Matrix and they learn how to kung-fu? I need that machine and Rob's giant HTML book. I used to think I had a clue, but as it turns out, I'm feeling pretty incompetent.
--McJangles 7:07 PM
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I ventured into the murky waters of NASCAR betting today. I was ready to walk out of the room when the race came on, but I was assured that given the short track, there would be plenty of wrecks. I was again ready to walk out when the announcers started talking, but then I found out that we were wagering on the outcome. The whole thing got infinitely interesting.

In a tribute to Brittany, I picked Rusty Wallace (Car #2, Miller Lite). Andrew picked Jeff Gordon. Michael picked Mark or some other Martin. Andrew's guy was kind enough to run directly into the wall without any help, effectively placing me 20 laps ahead. Michael was foolish enough to think that the man in the Viagra car could go all the way. I edged out Michael by two places and Andrew by 9,000 miles or so. What a fun game.
--McJangles 1:39 AM
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It worked with the guestbook, so at the risk of ridicule from my peers, I'll beg you all to use the stupid webpoll feature to the right. My right, your left. You fools all tell me that the content is good, but the page needs "spiced up." I did it, now take advantage. And the poll says that you thought the music was stupid. I didn't know having fans could be so difficult.
--McJangles 1:32 AM
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And a couple of thanks are in order. To Andrew, who gave me the idea of that nifty little web poll. I'll see if I can't exceed the nine votes he managed.
To Rob, who apparently did buy me a shot. I suppose I'm not really an authority on anything that happened that late last night.
--McJangles 10:23 PM
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Nearly a third of the hits to this site were in the last 24 hours. Maybe if I get drunk more often, I could sell some ad space. That in turn would fund further drinking. This could be rather lucrative.

I was feeling pretty nasty this morning, so I was going to just skip school. Unfortunately, I'd skipped class twice already this week, and there was a mandatory meeting for all staff at the paper. So I dragged myself 45 minutes down to Akron at 930 in the morning. "Meeting canceled, have a nice break." "Class is canceled, have a nice break." At least I got a paycheck out of it. And Mariachi Locos, to boot.
--McJangles 10:22 PM
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Where to begin? I could never get everything embarrassing on this page, but I can put up most of what I remember.
I drank quite a bit without feeling the effects (Thank you Panini's.) Andrew was kind enough to step in, though, and the Three Wise Men knocked me out. I was drunk as a frunk for the rest of the night. I did in fact dance with some ladies, but apparently even alcohol can't make that last. Mary touched my head. That's all I remember about that. I think I played pool a second time. Rob never bought me my shot but he covered my cover charge, so I guess it's cool. After walking out the door of that last bar, I don't remember anything other than waking up to the aftertaste of alcohol. Good times.
--McJangles 9:30 AM
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Holy Thursday, Batman! B-Day shout-outs to: the Vernal Equinox
Me.
Pat at the West Park Post Office
Bach
Rachel's sister
Florenz Ziegfeld
That one guy from Ace of Base
Timothy Dalton, who put all those zeros in 007
John D. Rockefeller III

I remember the puddle outside the loft door the night of Andrew's 21st birthday. Don't expect another post tonight.

Et aussi: The United Nations has designated today as the International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination. Imagine my embarrassment, being a neo-Nazi and all.... Zut!
--McJangles 12:10 AM
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It looked like it was going to be a big news day when I walked into the paper today. "Student government elections are today." "Administration won't let the union deliver their mail." "There's a fire in Knight Chemical Laboratory." "Someone died in the dorms last night."

However, the fact of the matter was that no one intended to cover the election results. I don't care about the union anymore. No one died in the dorms, and the fire was the size of my thumb. What a let-down. With a hyphen. Furthermore, everyone at the paper is afraid to sue UAPD.

It's Billy's birthday today. Tomorrow is mine. He and I are going to go out and get loaded.

I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting something good. I'll be back.
--McJangles 10:19 PM
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I spent ninety minutes today waiting in line for my first confession in about a year. I better die tomorrow or not for another year, because I want to make sure my next confession is really good. I'm taking my turn on the sin wagon. That's right; I said "mattress dancing."

I also got myself a brand new license today. I can't begin to tell you how glad I am to have that atrocious picture erased from existence.
--McJangles 12:56 AM
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I think I'm going to run away from home for spring break; I just need a place to go. Any suggestions?
--McJangles 12:41 AM
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Mom: Brian, take Michael to work.
Michael: I'll go start the car. [vroom, vroom]
Brian: Okay, get out of the driver's seat.
Michael: Why?
Brian: Because you're not driving.
Michael: Why not?
Brian: Because I'm driving.
Michael: [shouting and generally belligerent] Why can't I drive?
Brian: Because I'm driving.
Michael: Why can't I drive? [now very angry, jumps out of car in a huff and then chases it as it drives itself away]
Brian: Gee, Michael, I really can't think of a good reason.
Michael: Shut up.
Brian: No, you shut up.
--McJangles 3:28 PM
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Knowing the lawyer would blow me off again, I decided to make Friday a dress-down day. "Hey, Mike. When do you want to get together?" "How about right now?" Crap. So I went into the meeting with my jogging pants and no deodorant. Bad news.

At least we got some issues ironed out. For instance, he seems to think that Supreme Court rulings are meant to be interpreted as satire. "You could read this so many ways." No, you can read it the way it's written. We went through all our incident reports one-by-one, and he told me how, for now, he's going to have to say he's not giving us those papers, Supreme Court be damned.

Also: The guy who cried about me correcting his paper pulled me aside today. "I just wanted to say thanks and I'm sorry." Turns out the final copy was 8,000 times better than what he had written himself. How about that?
--McJangles 2:16 PM
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Good morning, fans.
--McJangles 9:20 AM
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It was a beautiful day today. That may have been part of the reason that I completely skipped my classes today. Let's think: Sleep another hour, or drive an hour to listen to Dr. Endres tell the entire class how bad their story ideas are? Play frisbee with Allie and Billy or sleep through Dr. White's boring lecture? Life is so full of tough decisions.

Tomorrow should be another meeting with the lawyer. I'm not feeling as full of hope as I used to when we would talk. It's a good thing my mother didn't teach me any bad words, because I'd probably use one to describe him. Where's Kathleen when you need her?

--McJangles 12:54 AM
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I was my own 100th hit. How disappointing.
--McJangles 12:41 AM
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Why do people take it so personally when they find out that they have no writing skills? If you want to be a professional writer, it's probably best for you to find that out "write" away. Oh... I kill myself. Seriously, though, if you don't want to see your paper come back with more red ink than black, turn in flawless copy. That way, I won't have to correct it twelve times over.

No news on the stolen papers.

The lawyer is making me very angry. He postponed our meeting, yet again. So our lawyer scheduled her own meeting with him for Friday. Yeah, our lawyer is great....

Did I mention that she also represents UAPD? Hm.

Pro se is sounding better and better.
--McJangles 12:36 AM
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SIGN THE STUPID GUESTBOOK. I know you people are viewing it without signing in. You're making me look like a loser. Get with it, people.
--McJangles 12:35 AM
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It appears, somewhat surprisingly, that UAPD is handling our stolen paper case like it's for real. The editors and I got to have a sit-down chat with a third of the UAPD detective bureau [Aside: It took me about eight tries to figure out how to spell that right]. They're hunting down leads every chance they get, and so am I. I've been picking up surveillance footage, and I've spotted a fishy character.

I'll also be sitting down with that crazy lawyer again. I'm going to throw some serious case law his way. He's going to wish he never messed. Stay tuned....
--McJangles 11:57 PM
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The lawyer sounds like he wants to die every time I talk to him. I think he's sick of me. Little does he know that he has two days before Buchtelite lawyers pounce out of the tall grass.
Also, I got published; click to the left of this line and check me out.
--McJangles 1:29 AM
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I'm still in one piece following my sudden trip to Dayton. A big thanks goes out to whichever one of Brittany's clever roommates locked me out of the room at 330 in the a.m., leaving me to sleep in the freezing lobby overnight.
--McJangles 11:50 PM
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After hours of tweaking like mad, I'm proud to present my counter and guestbook. Utililze them.
--McJangles 2:35 AM
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Two days, two stops by the police: I was pulled over for being dyslexic in a 45 MPH zone in Brunswick on Thursday night. Being cordial and respectful got me off the hook in record time.

The more interesting story is today's. After we printed a less-than-complimentary letter to the editor about an administrator in yesterday's paper, almost every single newspaper bin on campus had been looted, as of 4:30 p.m. The managing editor, the editor in chief and I headed out to refill the bins with extra, undistributed copies of the paper. While out, we decided to stop in at Buchtel Hall to see the aforementioned administrator. He was gone, so we left, too.

After we left, we called UAPD to report the papers missing. About six seconds later, someone from the Buchtel Hall called the police to report "three suspicious males" in her building carrying around stacks of newspapers. I imagine UAPD was pleased to open a case and figure they had solved it in under ten seconds.

As we headed back, UAPD was all over Buchtel Hall, so we stopped in. They saw us, stopped us and interrogated us. The editor in chief went insane; "What? I'm suspicious just cause I'm black?"

It turns out that we're suspicious because I'm wearing a trenchcoat, the editor is wearing a denim jacket and the managing editor is wearing a leather jacket. I don't know what kind of jacket won't draw the UA heat, but they obviously don't have them in America. The whole incident lasted much longer than necessary.
--McJangles 12:45 AM
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The UA lawyer is beginning to see my point of view. If all goes well, I should be receiving a big fat stack of public records very soon. And he's apparantly straightened out the cops.

UAPD Chief Lohrum pulled me aside today. He told me all about how the Buchtelite has historically had a good relationship with his department. He followed that up with examples of times that the paper screwed up his investigations and pissed him off. Then he basically reprimanded me for being an unprofessional loser because I never came in and introduced myself at the beginning of the semester. I really appreciated his little seminar on professional networking. "Don't they teach you about this in class or something?"

Thanks, Chief.
--McJangles 11:29 PM
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It turns out that SubProfile is annoying as hell. I've never seen a single page open that many pop-ups, except for the ones in Michael's favorites folder. So this is my new home. Welcome.
--McJangles 10:14 PM
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